Thursday, 1 October 2015

Divorce and Splitting Your Vinyl

'Stuff' in the dictionary amongst other definitions is the material used to pad out a taxidermist's delight... it fills out the skin of a dead animal or bird to restore the original shape and appearance... 

And with this comes the aspect of the 'dead' bit in relationships and the stuff that is bought and collected to keep the marital shell looking as it should. So when we as couples part ways, are we as readily able, with our exciting new lives ahead to allow the shedding of a layer of stuff. A layer which allows us much needed space to grow, breathe and rejuvenate.

Inevitably during separation and divorce there comes that time where you both take a big breath in and decide to take a realistic look at the splitting of your material assets. 

Now generally at this point, the wise choice would be to send any emotional and angry 'Mine' monkeys back as far as, well possibly another galaxy. Splitting the home contents can be tricky territory or it may not ... it kind of depends on how you both choose to draw that material line.  

Whether this line is a firm pen mark drawn definitively and ruleresque down the middle, or a casual pencil wiggle ...or no line and a 'strong with no regrets' walk away from the whole chattel minefield. 

However cool you both are, it can bring up a whole load of buried memories, good times and laughter that can unexpectedly knock you a little sideways. And it is like these 'Mine' monkeys have just crept back in to stir up the proprietorial emotional pot with shared smiles and laughter, still intimate moments that can add to the toughness of the task ahead. 

So when choosing to divvy up your worldly goods, you need to remember this is pretty much a life long decision. You really need to be sure you are not going to live to regret the day you walked or left stuff begrudgingly, because at that certain time you were "going to be fine without it" ... It can just be this little crazy laissez-faire that keeps those resentment monkeys living unhealthily inside your head and heart for years to come. Do we not all know someone who has anguished forever over a rash decision to leave granny's heavy writing bureau? The advice is I guess... when you walk you walk.  

Does padding our lives with "stuff" bear out the basic fundamental human desire to surround and protect yourself with possessions?  In our society we have allowed "stuff" to increasingly define us, our social positioning and something to shop for at the weekend. Stuff sneakily courts and entices enviable recognition, it can place us within the neurotic pecking order of a socio economic group and with it the easy come, easy go material reassurance of life worth.

So these lines we draw whilst sitting in anger, hurt and love? Which do we choose?  Do we choose to punish our Ex through material gain? Do we choose to be guilt free and act with grace?  So what to do? Here is a thought about letting go of all the material stuff you thought ever mattered? Do you trust enough in the Universal Law of Attraction that in letting go, it all comes back as it is supposed to, delivering with it a more altruistic joy?

For sure, especially with children in your lives is it not better to have a little of everything known and familiar to them in each house? But do any of us need the attachment of anger, bitterness and resentment to reside energetically in our future new homes ingrained in pieces of wood, metal or plastic?

That is until the possibility of stuff being taken from you becomes an ever so slightly heavier mantel to bear and you start to grip a little tighter.  Thought processes surrounding 'the stuff' kind of begins with the fears of being able to let go.  The irrational brain throws a garage sale party where everything costs emotionally double and the head monkeys are the security chiefs They aren't letting in any of those free thinking, mindful types and they are just not going to open the door to anyone who wants to play nicely.  

Resistance to handing materialism away is futile, the future of love and happiness versus the big houses, the expensive furniture, cars etc. Stuff hides away happiness, love and freedom and really THIS is the important stuff in life. So is this the time to decide the measure perhaps, of how much we want something? Why does it ultimately matter who keeps what? Where does the line of pride fall?

Nowadays everything linked to technical brilliance can be backed up onto a lofty cloud... the technological age has metered out its positives alone by diminishing the who has what CD or vinyl argument with a little downloading (well OK maybe not the vinyl). A smaller bit of kit to move into your maybe smaller house....  are the days of arguing over vinyl almost gone or maybe that is another blog in itself...  

How many of us would like to think we could be good at managing without the shackles of 'stuff'. That we could all live freely of so much that surrounds us, to live minimally, simply and cathartically cleansing our lives regularly. Sorting through your life accoutrements is a real life lesson in learning to let go of what does not necessarily serve you in your new, exciting and unknown future. 

Natasha x

Wednesday, 23 September 2015

Gratitude .... what an incredible world and life we have ....

This is a gift from a friend of mine who posted this on Facebook this morning .... to all the people of the world .... this is another day .... with love x

A beautiful day - Gratitude

Sunday, 20 September 2015

Thank you Sunday Times and My Divorce Mentoring Packages

So very happy to be in the The Sunday Times this weekend with in with a mention!

This is the time of year where the divorce reality bites, the lawyers are busy... and so many good, kind people are in a world of pain, fear and confusion...

If you read my blog you will know that I used the mediation process with my ex-husband for our divorce.. and wrote a blog or two about our experience of Mediation. I support mediation and understand that whilst it is not for everyone, it was a process that worked for us coupled with the attitude of kindness which really helped. I created this blog to write about subjects that are the everyday issues and concerns that so many lovely people have when the divorce world arrives.

How can I help ...

My divorce mentoring provides 3 month and 6 month packages providing you with practical and emotional support during your divorce.  I work with men and women to help them navigate and cope with their divorce journey from a kinder, more compassionate and less fearful place.  I teach my clients mindfulness practices to encourage them to adopt a more accepting approach to the challenges of divorce, I teach the attitude of gratitude and with my help comes a big dose of happiness!

My aim is to create a safe, supportive and non-judgemental place for you to talk through your divorce fears, trials and difficulties.  I would love you to feel calmer, more positive and focused on having a kinder and less expensive divorce. 

Having a good divorce benefits everyone: You, your ex-partner, your children, family and friends.  So the well-being of your mind, body and soul is without question a priority in a divorce.  If you are in a positive place, the divorce process can become less fraught and much less expensive.

Benefits of Natasha's Divorce Mentoring Packages:

  • Weekly 1 hour divorce coaching sessions
  • Guidance on preparation for mediation meetings and what to expect
  • Guidance on defining your goals - will your divorce define the rest of your life?
  • Sharing with you daily practical mindfulness and positive life practices
  • Email support for those unexpected low days or moments
  • Free access to Divorcing Mindfully audio meditations
  • And lots more ...

Please contact me by email for an informal chat about how I can help you.

Thank you to Resolution for the opportunity of the piece in the Sunday Times.

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Meet my Friend Lonely ...

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone - Robin Williams

Okay so I am going to introduce you to an occasional friend called Lonely, who is part of a gang called Perception.  Other feelings in the collective are known as Alone, Unwanted and Empty and together they all have this canny little knack of sneakin’ up on so many of us and when we least expect it. 

Especially at the end of a marriage, relationship, friendship or through death, we experience varying degrees of isolation, fear and sadness.  It is pretty much guaranteed that our old emotional friend ‘Lonely’ will nonchalantly turn up to assess the state of our aching and fearful hearts as we live each day carrying our life 'grocery bags'. 

So in reality how alone are we? We know there are a very great number of human beings, on their own, living their good lives all around this huge planet of ours. There are millions of us all walking around wanting to be connected as friends, lovers, to be loved, hugged, smiled at and spoken to. And the best bit is this, lest we forget or ignore this simple fact that we also have our own incredible selves to be friends with.... hmmmm this feels a little tricky doesn't it... why is it so difficult to allow our ourselves to be the natural antidote to our loneliness? 

Is this why Lonely feels it's okay to rock up to and encapsulate our sad, hurting hearts? Could it just be that Lonely is the majority shareholder of that powerful and egotistical of all perception clubs - The Feelings Club of Human Pain? The club run by a bunch of Mafioso head monkeys, the club where Lonely takes us, endlessly dancing with Lack of Self-Esteem.   We partake in heart messing activities, generally taking us down the less compassionate route as we hang out with bar flies like Emotions and Feelings.  And so we dance ignoring the collective of Past, Childhood and Judgement Pain who get up to shimmy, pinch our asses and pull some of their saddest memory moves on the dance floor of our lives .... and Lonely is the DJ.

So do I have space for that feeling Lonely? Not so much any more,… not since I made the decision to take my life off mindless autopilot, with the help of mindfulness and some difficult self-befriending. Sure I learnt that observing and sitting with Lonely is a whole lot kinder to myself, than perhaps activities such as immersing myself in shopping at the Avoidance Mall or endless online dating. 

You see I had created my life to be very, very busy, blogging, working, studying, being a Mumma, helping friends and family and there wasn't that much space left for anything else.  So I didn't have to truly face why Lonely wanted to befriend me, I thought I was all good, managing the lonely, ouchy moments. 

And the reason we aren't quite so adept at Being, is because we are just SO very busy Doing.  Our exhausted minds are stressed and sometimes wildly unfocused on so much that is not always helpful. And this is where Lonely sneaks us into The Feelings Club with a very non-VIP pass.

Does it feel comfortable allowing your extraordinary and lovely self to be a human "Being", can we take present moment time to remember we ourselves are our own most precious sanctuary in life? Compulsive consumerism, avoidance dating and functioning without feeling are never going to make room for you to find that most important friendship of all...  Yeah the one with the interesting, worthy, funny, intelligent and beautiful self that is YOU...  

Here are a couple of questions ...would you treat a favourite pet or friend the way you treat yourself when you are lonely? Would you poison the ones you love with unhelpful food, or substances, would you berate them for being too stupid, too fat or so worthless? So why is it then okay to behave that way towards ourselves?..... 

So next time Lonely and the gang comes a knockin’ on your Manor door, welcome them in, sit with them, make them tea, be happy to see them and understand they are visiting you only because you don't want them to...

And Lonely ever our personal solace friend of choice? Well just may be.... if we are feeling a little mischievous ....

With love x