Monday, 29 January 2018

How A Divorce can be a Chance to Rebirth Your Life

We all know by now how we each feel when the word divorce comes up. It throws up a whole load of emotions, thoughts and feelings.

Words like sadness, shame, anger, mistrust, blame, tense, small, lonely, failed... they all cosy up together on the bench of divorce supporting expectations of society.  We feel the pain of children, couples and families going through a divorce, it hurts, it is not good and it feels sad and shameful.

So what if there was a way to change the way you view divorce? To make a conscious decision to do things differently? To instead look at your own divorce as a chance to rebirth your life. To be the change and instead of treading the path of negativity, you could instead feel entrepreneurial and opportunistic, free to carpe diem and rebirth your life?

Is life not so short that despite a marriage breakdown we could still have the opportunity to feel and be happy, relieved, reborn, free, lighter, bigger and expanded again?

What if, we all took the word divorce, gave it a big shot of empowerment and self-worth and owned the experience by seeing it as an opportunity to learn, evolve and grow from it.

I realised and understood very early on in my divorce that I had a...

CHOICE and that

◉     I could take a left turn OR right turn
◉     I could say yes OR no
◉     I could get angry OR let that it go
◉     I could choose to learn from this life shock OR I could              choose to stay where I was 

I could either see my divorce as a chance to see the big blue sky of life beyond my divorce clouds. That I could grow, heal and embrace myself gently and fully. OR I could choose to be small, angry and stay forever in the personal failure pit of blame, shame and despair.

How does a divorce become the chance to rebirth your life? How can you even make that decision when you are feeling desolate, ashamed, guilty, sad, heartbroken? I began to meditate... as much as I could. I gifted myself the space to be quiet, still and I listened to what my inner voice, gut instinct or intuition was telling me. No matter what society feels you 'should' do (take that word out and burn it I tell you), ultimately it is you trusting that you have your own back. You may be confused as to how you even got to be in this place - the failure of the decisions you made. Ask yourself this, were the life decisions made based upon your gut instinct or with life conditioning guiding you to do what you felt you 'should' do (damn there is that word again).

Divorce is your opportunity to fully have some maybe difficult dialogue with yourself. And for the first time probably ever begin to hear, through meditation - mostly, that you properly know what is right for you and what isn't. Having an angry divorce supported by society's mind monkey thoughts is what is expected - but is it what you want, truly? 

As you begin to change the way you view and your intention about having a kinder divorce  you are incredibly, gently shifting the energy from negative to positive. Whether you understand energy or not, there is nothing more empowering to think more positively and then for life to match your thoughts and a situation to improve.

The first step is a simple letter of intention to yourself - how do you want your divorce to be? Write down every scary, hopeful, out there thought. Affirm to yourself that you can do this, your soon to be Ex may not but you can. It is you who will live with your decisions for the rest of your life, the ones we berate ourselves about, the head under the covers ones and the ones we can ruminate and hold the disappointment of for years.  I knew I wanted the rest of my years to be filled with kindness, self-worth and inspiration. 

To welcome in the rest of my extraordinary life.

What do you choose?

Natasha x

Join my FREE private Facebook group How to be a Divorce Goddess and be part of this positive, supportive and new divorce community. I love this group and would love you to be part of it all. My mission is to change the way society looks at divorce by creating a community of empowered, good and kind divorce trail blazers, way seers and goddesses and who want to do divorce differently! 

Friday, 26 January 2018

Does Mediation Help You Have a Kinder Divorce?

So I have heard so many failed mediation stories and I wanted to share my own experience which was positive. I want to tell you that mediation can work, it takes effort, patience and kindness, but it can work.  And let's face it we need all the help we can get when stepping onto the road of divorce...

So I was married for almost 18 years and have two children. I co-ran a business with my Ex who lived overseas for most of our married life together.  Sadly due to the amount of time spent apart we both agreed to a divorce and these are my thoughts on mediation.

WHY MEDIATION?

What made us both decide to proceed down the mediation route was the love for our children and their welfare. Talking to our children about our impending separation and divorce, naturally hit all of us really hard. My Ex and I each saw the fear, pain and confusion in our very much loved children's eyes and in order to alleviate the damage to our children, we knew we had to be kind through all of this. Both of us understood that attending mediation was potentially a positive way forward to help us achieve this.

Mediation seemed to be the most compassionate yet logical way to proceed along this potentially fraught path of pain, grief and guilt.  We had been recommended mediation by other couples who had been through the process with an amicable outcome.  Knowing this gave us confidence in mediation. They were real couples who were still friends and giving their changed family unit the continued and gentle respect it deserved.

Our children just wanted to know that everything was going to be okay. We realised early on that children's radars are bang on and that when we functioned as a positive divorcing unit, rather than two warring parties their stress levels reduced.

I chose my solicitor who supported the process of mediation. It made sense and I had no wish to continue a marital battle now that a decision to divorce had been made.

Our mediators understand the legalities, but without any game plan.  This assured me enormously and gave me a platform of trust and hope for the sessions. Entering into mediation kind of gave me permission to leave my ego at the door of the room. This is a tough call but I didn't want to fight anymore.  I knew instinctively that by gently taking my ego out of the situation, it would help me/us to move forward one step at a time, beginning to build, albeit, a fragile web of trust. I just needed to be brave, trust and feel empowered to do it.

Our mediators were kind, professional and were great at alleviating any angst whilst working through many of the trickier points. Our situation was so complicated financially that we were assigned two mediators - I liked this and I really believed without doubt they were working for all our benefit. 

They were very complimentary about our attitude which was helpful, supportive and affirmed to us that we had chosen the right path. Both my Ex and I operate very differently in life and yet we were both confident, trusting and relieved about the process we had chosen, which helped us, rather than hindered us during this life changing time..

Preparing for mediation involved collecting together paperwork regarding mortgages, bank statements, pension documents etc.  We were also asked for our initial thoughts on where we were going to live, how we would manage co-parenting and financial support that was most beneficial for our children and for us both. Having a sense of direction was important for me, I needed to have a focus for my attention, it helped me feel stronger and more in control.  It also gave me the confidence to begin rebuilding a life for me and our children.

We had 7 mediation sessions. This was not due to any difficulty in communicating and working as a divorcing couple, but because of the constant changing scary financial situation that we had to work through and the fact that my Ex had been living overseas.

MEDIATION FEAR MONKEYS

They were always going to visit ....
  • Would I like and trust our mediators? During separation and divorce you are fearful, wary and vulnerable.  There are many people giving you helpful advice, trusting your instincts and having confidence in your mediators is important. 
  • How do I find a qualified mediator? Go on to the Resolution - First For Family Law website where you can find lawyers and mediators who are all committed to the process. Ask for positive recommendations - meet your mediators first, get a feel for them as you would other professionals you would trust and work with.
  • How scary is it in the mediation room?  Yup.... Why scary? This is new, you may not have been through mediation before, neither of you know what to expect or how you are going to react to each other. Especially if either or both of you are hurting and are angry.  Accept that it is going to be challenging and that this is normal in new situations, coupled with the ragged divorce brain, be prepared for heightened sensitivity and be mindful of the words you use.
  • Can mediation work for you? There was a fleeting moment when my Ex and I Iooked at each other across the table and knew that each of us had decided to be brave and take that leap of faith and trust in mediation. I felt it was important to have the intention that mediation would work. Divorce throws you into a flat spin and focusing on one thing and trusting it can be difficult.  See mediation happening and working - put it out there and did I mention trust - yes trust.
  • Will it be emotional?  Yes, this is a life roller-coaster you are on.  Will there be tears? Tissues on the table oh and tea - YES! Mediators really want this to work for you and for your children, they are caring and human. Be aware on the day how you are feeling, if you haven't slept for the last couple of nights, you may feel on edge, be more likely to react negatively. This is normal, however if you are not feeling up to going into mediation, be kind to yourselves and rearrange the session. Save yourself the distress, money and time.  Making each session work for you is learning to understand the value of patience, understanding and kindness for you both.
  • Is this the best process for you? Yes, if you have trust in the process and each other. Whether you sign up for the mediation process or court process the decision is up to you. Whichever route you decide upon, be focused, committed and kind... 
  • How will we feel after a session?  My Ex and I were so relieved that it was balanced, calm and simplistic.  We thanked each other after every session for being kind, respectful and gentle. This was a practice we continued after every session. It reaffirmed our commitment to co-parenting our children and to both our futures.
  • Mediation payment?  We found that mediation sessions were far less expensive than meeting with our solicitors and this was important to us.  Knowing that our finances would not be so depleted was a comfort, especially during a time when finances are so very often an important part of the present and the future.
Mediation for me was positive, empowering and helped me to put in place a co-parenting relationship that, to this day is healthy, supportive and good for the whole family's well being. Self-care for yourself during your divorce is paramount, exploring avenues that reduce the pain and suffering for the whole family is scary but so worthwhile. 

I urge you to try mediation if your intention is to have a more mindful and kinder divorce.

Natasha x


Join my FREE private Facebook group How to be a Divorce Goddess and be part of a positive, supportive and new divorce community. I love this group and want you to be part of it all. My mission is to change the way society looks at divorce by creating a community of empowered, good and kind divorce trail blazers, way seers and goddesses and who want to do divorce differently! 

Monday, 18 December 2017

Thoughts on a More Mindful Christmas...

Divorce or no divorce this Christmas stuff can be challenging. Without wanting to feel too humbuggish this year... it feels to me from chats with family, friends and clients that everyone seems to be a little 'over' the build up.

We are all tired of the excess, the stress and pressure that comes with this celebratory time of year.... so here are my thoughts and top tips for a more mindful Christmas...


So lovely people it is one meal
... notice the stress in those dear shoulders, tummies or in your temples that is happening in the buildup to Christmas. Do we not all feel that we are over the big Christmas show? Is there a more productive way we could be celebrating Christmas - offering to volunteer, help others, help save our dear planet Earth from more and more plastic, sparkly wrapping paper and the glitter that is clogging our sea creatures?  Do we need to feel the credit card pressure during the duller months at the beginning of the year? Do we not have enough of so much?

I read somewhere a wonderful post on buying presents... so basically you buy 3 presents for your children:
  • One to play with
  • One that is useful
  • One to wear
And if you are struggling with the 3, you can grant yourself permission to buy a 4th - a book to give them on Christmas Eve...

How wonderful is this idea... I have tried it out this year and my two teenagers are literally so excited by the Magic 4 - and because books are important they have the 4 :)

And finally to end my thoughts on Christmas this year... please knock on a neighbour's door, invite them in for a drink and get to know them, especially if they are elderly... loneliness is so tough, I have been at times in my life so lonely I felt I had all but disappeared... please let us all remember that everyone is worthy of being remembered...

Ohhhh and it is just one meal...... XX

My Top 8 Tips for a Happier & Mindful Christmas

  • Go for a walk - get yourself or everyone into the fresh air, be in nature and feel the stress lessen. Even better, offer to be chief dog walker...
  • Be kind to yourself - have a nice bath, a nap or treat yourself WITHOUT feeling guilty, to your favourite food or hot drink, read something light-hearted, listen to music you haven't listened to for ages.
  • Preparing food for Christmas – indulge your senses as you become aware of the rich flavours, smells, textures and sights of the feasts in store. Sensory winter wonderland...
  • Wrapping presents – use if you can, wrapping time as a meditation. Being aware of the feel of the paper, texture, sound of the cutting, sticking, the smell or feel of presents. This I appreciate can be tricky... Wrapping for me is usually beyond 10pm on Christmas Eve with a glass of red on the side...
  • Listening to family and friends - notice when you aren’t listening. Instead, you may be thinking of something else to say. Notice any tendency to jump in or add to the conversation. Gently come back to actually listening. Check in with how much you love to be listened to if this helps.
  • Standing in queues - a big one for many... Ask yourself, what is going through my mind, what sensations are there in my body and what emotions and impulses am I aware of? Take a deep breath then consciously push your feet into the floor and notice how strong your frustrations are... and take a moment to notice how stressed others may be feeling around you... had they only known this tip!
  • 3 min breathing space...  3 Step Breathing Space
  • 10 Finger Gratitude exercise - if everything is feeling too much, try thinking of 10 things to be grateful for. There is a lot we are able to be grateful for and if a few relatives for a couple of days is too much, there are many who have no one and very little else...                
Have an amazing Christmas. If you can try to remember this... whatever is going on for you is what is happening now and life never stays the same. It moves on, it does change and it is trusting that you are all worthy of the good in life...

With love Xx

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Managing a Co-Parenting Christmas After Divorce

Photo by rawpixel.com on Unsplash
I have been having a big think about Christmas, what it means during or after a divorce and how best we can weather the emotional storms this time of year can bring. Aching hearts, angry emotions and more often than not children in the mix - it is a fine time for so much to go right or wrong.

So this year I wanted to share something with you.  

It would seem this year the co-parenting that my Ex and I have both worked so hard at, has reaped its karmic kindness, call it an understanding Christmas bonus with abundant goodwill. For real!

Here is the deal, I was due to go to my Sister's for a big family Christmas. My children love seeing their cousins and it was a rare opportunity for a family Christmas. It was also my Ex's Christmas with the teens and he generously agreed after a respectful, diplomatic and set it all out in a reasonable way - ie no dictating to, threatening or emotional blackmail behaviour that is, for me to have our teens this year. 

It was all planned, everyone content, accepting and happy. Then the call came from my sister about ongoing, laborious and slow building work at her house and thus our family Christmas was to be cancelled. Noooooooo - the decision, the disappointment and the reshuffling, rescheduling and best laid plans all came tumbling down... 

And this is life, and as is so often the way, fast side balls come out of nowhere, they do their damnedest to wobble, mess with our heads and hearts. It is then that we need to remember to try to step back from our emotions, the jumbles of thoughts and scenarios crowding our frazzled minds and to breathe. To accept that these things happen, plans change and how our mind monkeys can grab this opportunity and run with the 'disaster' scenario running through our minds, if we let them. 

So I am thinking that maybe, this plan was not what was meant to happen this year... disappointing yes! A desperately failed Christmas - no...

So I phoned my Ex, explained the situation and asked him if he could spend Christmas with our teens. He was delighted, confirming his work - literally in the last couple of days has taken him away somewhere hot and would I be okay if he flew the teens out with his partner for a couple of weeks on a warm lovely holiday? 
Photo by Chris Brignola on Unsplash

Amazing! The joy of how life rolls! We will Skype on Christmas Day, I will spend Christmas with friends and our teens will be loving some warm sea and fun beach time with their dad. Not one person in this scenario is making any demands emotionally on our children during this time. Divorce time and Christmas is heavy, this we know. 

Call it serendipity, flow or whatever. The more we notice and let go, the simpler life becomes. With kindness, understanding and being mindful of each other, the more we relax, and the more we all relax the easier everything becomes. The Law of Attraction, positive attracts positive - whatever sits well with you is what seems to fill the uncertain life spaces when we let go. 

Christmas is about our children, and we as parents need to be bigger, to let go of and stop shaking our control freakery maracas every now and then, and to trust that the right thing will happen. We feel better if we are all kinder and more understanding. To be able to work together without rigid boundaries and let life flow when...  we get out of our own way...
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Try to be open to any changes that happen, understand there just may be a reason why things don't always go the way we want them to. Celebrate and embrace the life changes, the adjustments or reworkings.  Life is too short for us to see the unexpected as always being negative...

Wishing you all a fantastically karmic, kind and gentle Christmas...

Natasha x

Saturday, 9 December 2017

How kind are we to our bodies after separation or divorce?

So here is a question for all you wonderful people facing divorce or who are going through separation...

If I asked you to name all the things that you love, care for and hold dear at this time of your life, just how long would it take for you to name yourself... this amazing, unique and extraordinary person that is you....?
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Now there are times in our lives where we definitely don't feel so 'extraordinary'. So just maybe this kind of talk about being 'special' is going to properly wake up the mind monkeys of unworthiness and have them shrieking with disbelief and lots of wtfs with a question such as this.

Our monkey minds start ruminating over the 'if I was worthy, lovable and the rest of the aforementioned malarkey I would not be sitting here reading these words feeling like a washed up battered little boat of sadness'... and it then we are more likely to turn in on ourselves, and we examine, we criticise and speak to ourselves shamefully. 

Divorce is a full on kick up the ass, knock the wind out of your life sails life event. It is up there in the big four - death, divorce, cancer and redundancy for stress.  And believe me, it is never more so than right now, when fully faced with this present moment life fast ball that a little kindness to yourself is what you are most in need of. 

I lived so much in my head in the beginning of my divorce journey, with my life, as a single mum, working and divorce discussions and paperwork. My control freakery monkeys endlessly partying, despite the high exhaustion levels and I totally forgot about my body. I was content to let my body happily tuck into not very much, powered by cortisol and not surprisingly, occasionally a little wine. If you think hangovers and marriage are not great, hangovers and divorce are an utterly miserable day out. 

The times when I bravely looked in the mirror at my newly single body and face, I pondered whether this living vessel of my life would appeal to anyone ever again. As I began to scrutinise, with varying degrees of unkindness and judgement this body of mine, that had borne two healthy, beautiful and kind-hearted children, I was suddenly ashamed. I felt the pain of the self-flagellation stick dealing out some real mean judgement. I consciously made a decision to reclaim my innate feminine stubborn side with a little chat to myself that basically went like this...  "girl you have to change this talk". 

I had this realisation that if I was ever going to have any life of love, happiness and physical joy again, I would need to begin looking after, nurturing and cherishing this pretty bloody amazing body of mine, that had never failed me.   

So I consciously chose to begin rebuilding my mind, body and spirit.  All of which, during a relationship breakdown, separation or divorce generally waves the big depletion flag of help me.  What I realised was this, I could never be the same person facing love, sex and a relationship as I was when I was married. It was like I had to unlearn and then relearn everything all over again - with a body that was different, older and changed from life experiences. 

Divorce was this part of my life journey that became the best life lesson in self-discovery, more than I could have imagined.

So I chose to celebrate, embrace and honour my life journey, with all its late wild nights when I was younger, lonely early mornings feeding my babies and an expanded body in all its glorious procreative splendour. I also chose to celebrate my now single body together with its now colder extremities feeling the vulnerability in a king size bed on my own. I decided that to berate, show disdain and hold anger about my body for what was going on in my life by punishing it with lack or excess suddenly seemed so unreasonable.  

And what dawned on me was this, my body and this face of mine was here to stay. Chasing after some aesthetic of perfection to give me confidence to jump into bed with someone and feel fabulous was pure mentalness... I decided to own every single flaw. My self-belief, positive thinking and loving energy that I was now mentally imbuing into my cells, my muscles and organs was going to bring into my life the right person who would love me as I was.   
Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

So if this is feeling like hard work, that is because it is. As women and increasingly as men we live in a society that demands, sometimes subversively that we question ourselves and our worth. The self-belief and worth monkeys walking the streets begging to be taken away. To change the way you view yourself is about beginning again. This is the part I was truly grateful for out of my marriage breakdown, I got the chance to love and properly sign up for myself with all the damage, baggage and experiences that comes with life. 

How amazing to have the chance to connect again with your body, to take control of how you nourish yourself, how you talk to yourself and how you choose to see your incredible body. That, no matter what you look like at any given hour on any given day, it still breathes for you, it still allows you the sensory pleasures of life, it carries and forgives you, it mends and heals you... 

 Every night, before I sleep, I thank my body for the work it has done for me. Every morning I wake and check in with how it is feeling, it is a time for me to notice any ageing aches, soreness or tightness. Whether I have woken with tight shoulders, or if my neck is sore, I make a mental note to work my day around being kind to my body. I stretch, I take several deep breaths and I begin my day... I drink warm lemon water first, asking it to cleanse my system. I try to juice as much as I can, sometimes I am just not that organised and I now notice when I haven't fed my body well or drunk enough water. 


Photo by Alex Loup on Unsplash
I stretch my muscles everyday, working on the basis that long muscles, leads to a longer life. Our pets stretch after every period of sitting or lying down, it is instinctual and what I noticed is, how fearful are we of having a good public stretch. It feels too self-indulgent, and this is the point, a kind and mindful divorce happens when we work on ourselves rather than looking elsewhere. It is about honestly working on ourselves and being vulnerable, fearful and learning. 

Our bodies tell us everything. When life is a shit storm of full on distress we mostly have not the head space to listen. A little check in with yourself in the morning, without judgement, and a morning dose of self-compassion, I now know sets me up for the day. Happier, more able to deal with divorce or business paperwork, managing bills, balancing my emotions and my children's, exploring my new world and being kind to my Ex. 

What I know now is this, I cannot help, love and support anyone else authentically, truly and deeply if I am not kind and content to live within myself.

With love

Natasha

This blog is dedicated to the good work of Taryn Brumfitt. If you have the opportunity please watch Embrace a documentary made by this inspiration lady. Click this link to follow the movement of embracing and loving our bodies :) 

Then.... I would love it if you can follow me on Instagram and join my private FB Group How to be a Divorce Goddess for support, kindness and strong women.

Sunday, 8 October 2017

Choosing Your Divorce Battles and Mindfully Letting Go!

Heads up on the liberal use of a powerful word...

So yesterday I had a perfect parcel of "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson arrive in my post box. And as I do, and sometimes do not give a f*ck, I dived head on in to see how good this attitude really is. How much does or does not giving a f*uck affect us?  


I wondered about the energy - be it positive or negative that fuels this powerful word, that makes us either laugh or cry, feel beautiful or ugly, small or powerful. This word gets used a lot before, during and after a divorce or breakup. It has the power to fully start argument and to end them, it is the difference to the level of heat in a disagreement or agreement. It is used liberally and the thought of using it in our lives to 'let go' rather than 'hold on' amused me.

Divorce as we know, has been, for way too many years a place where emotions, wills and narcissistic behaviours properly hand out together. It is a place in peoples lives where both men and women regularly bringing their tired asses back for a really unkind bun fight.  The sort of unpleasantness that leaves humans really depleted, exhausted and nerves raw with the kind of Ren and Stimpy cartoon character bloodshot eyes-out-on-springs effect. 
  
Are you not all done with fighting before agreeing to divorce? Is it at all possible that now the divorce decision has been made, that we need to give so much of a f*ck? Is now not the time to begin putting everything back in to some kind of semblance of kindness and workable order? So you can both separately, and with your kids, continue on with your lives with fewer battle scars mentally, emotionally and sadly sometimes physically?  

Why does having a divorce supercharge the dynamos of anger, hatred and fierce fighting in lovely people once the hardest decision has been made?  Surely the divorce flag stuck on the top of an Marital Emo peak has to be the ultimate in demonstrating the 'un-workability' of a relationship. So why is it that divorcees choose to climb it again and again with court filled battles, each time a little more weary, financially poorer and dragging the kids along for the epic journey of distress too?

Choosing some of the 'battles' that present themselves whilst going through divorce is surely an opportunity to subtly not give a f*ck about what you had to either go through or live with in your married life.

So how can we make calmer choices and pick our fights with our Ex's more wisely?  Think back to a bad patch - you know the one which would have left you feeling emotionally bruised and depleted of all positive energy, busily running around like an avoidance crazed person trying to forget the fight that just happened... And ask yourself this... Was what just happened all worth it? 


Could a simple email have asked the question rather than a raging phone call or turn up at the front door and be the Netflix special of the night? Being more aware of how our actions make our bodies feel after an fight with our ex can help us also to take that magic mindful step back and not enter into the fragile divorce war torn zone...

Try this: 
  • Do something different like become aware of how you feel after an argument, notice how good do you feel when you properly choose to make a decision not to go in guns blazing? 
  • Perhaps take a step back, be the bigger person and not react or fire off?
  • You may not have 'won' because you didn't react, but know that in some way you did win, you held your counsel and you did something different.
  • Notice if this feels better. Is there a sense of relief? Is this a step closer to you making a better, more conscious and calmer decision next time? By not giving negative energy to a situation, did it lose some of its fire?
Picking our battles is difficult when we are emotionally raw. Learning acceptance is about noticing how letting go of the times that really, really don't matter in the grand scheme of divorce, is better than holding on to the poison of anger, fight energy and disappointment. It doesn't make what happened right. But it could just be about the Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck...


Have a great rest of the week, go with awareness and kindness into whatever you chose to do...

Natasha x

Thursday, 5 October 2017

How Divorce Can Spectacularly Screw Your Kids Up With BBCs Dr Foster

So with a week to go, I have been running through my book pitch with various friends. One was prompted to ask me if I had seen the latest episode of a BBC TV series running at the mo called Dr Foster.  I replied I hadn't, for reasons such as time and other activities.  She said "Watch this episode".

So this morning I took time to watch a disturbing, deeply saddening car crash of 57 mins of TV.  It was indeed a shocking demonstration... how parents can spectacularly screw up their child/children during a divorce.  Simply in this particular divorce, as can happen in others, the fight had really become all about the parents. We parents try very hard, when we are going through tough life events, to avoid opening up our life bags. You know the ones we hide inside of us, the ones most likely to be stuffed full of raw emotions, deepest fears and experiences or may be not... Then one day, when we are in hurtsville proper, the residue of the most painful of human emotions then seeks to find its way out in other ways. It no longer gently knocks on our conscious mind's door, but instead spills out into our lives and creates proper life carnage along the way for all involved. 

Photo by Annie Spratt 

Divorce is a separation, and really, if you have children this means that until the two of you have sorted your stuff out, it is no longer about you. We all know those ageing parents who still continue to harbour anger, bitterness and unpleasantness towards their Ex, my god, all those years holding all that toxicity inside... 


So what can we do?  We can get healthier emotionally, mentally and physically. We can be kind to ourselves first so we are able to extend kindness to our Ex's, and begin as grown ups, to build a firmer, albeit different foundation for our children. They are managing what is happening as they see it, do we really think they can handle dealing with the back log of everything that we parents have been carrying around for years too?  
Photo by Caleb Woods

Holding onto pain, shame, guilt and anger is our emotional appendix of our life.  When it bursts it is dangerous, it damages our health, our bodies and our emotional well-being. The fall out is our children carrying a whole load more than they need to.


Here are my thoughts on not screwing up your children in divorce:



Photo by Carolina Sanchez B
Communicate Away From Your Children: Until you are in a better place to show your children you are indeed two human beings who can be kind to each other know this. 

Your children are not equipped to deal with the level of emotions flying around between you, and really do you as a loving parent want them to? Find a place - go for a walk, preferably up a big hill to take some energy out of your conversation to start with. Have someone be with your children so you can talk elsewhere.  Go to meditation if you can afford it - we dug deep, borrowed and found the money to go to meditation. Wherever you go to talk, go with a positive intention to listen, talk kindly, gently and chunk it down so the topics are manageable. 

Children Have Spot on Radars - do not underestimate the obvious negative energy mass swirling between two people that your children pick up on.  They know before you do that there is trouble brewing. They know how you are feeling before you've even seen your Ex for a meeting.  Be mindful of how you are feeling in front of them before a drop off or pick up.  Take deep breaths, check in with yourself, if you need to try this mini-meditationAs parents we are in the thick of our thoughts and we do not always see clearly, but children do, they know.  They have a mighty fine 6th sense. 

Sit on Those Emails - so back in the day my grandmother used to say simply "Sleep on it".  If you have big emails, communications to have, write the email or text, put it into draft and sleep on it, sit on it for an hour, distance yourself from the emotion of it for a while. AND do not be thinking that drinking wine is going to make you a divorce wordsmith - because it just isn't - is it?  Entering into a communication battle is not going to help the situation, and ultimately is going to impact on your children's, yours and your Ex's mental health.

No Talking About Your Ex - no matter how mind exploding, anger inducing and frustrating our Ex's can be, just try not to talk about them in front of your children. I grew up in a household where this happened. It was just a whole load of stuff that I didn't want to know about, carry or hear. I am pretty sure that children in this day and age are still feeling the same. If you really feel the need to vent about your Ex - and why add more negative energy to the divorce pot? Then go do it - a good shout out at the top of a hill worked for me, go for a walk and chunter away to your heart's content, try if you can not to spread it about, it makes people feel bad.  

Even better pay to speak to a good counsellor, coach or me about your Ex, just not to your gorgeous children. If they are your Ex's children, they are half of him or her - does that make them all those things you hate about your Ex? Here's a thought
Photo by Gianandrea Villa on Unsplash
- is there any wonder we have a society lacking in self-worth and compassion, just hating the bits of ourselves that were attributed by one of our parents to the other. 


So back to Dr Foster. I had to go out for a walk, put my face in the sunshine and properly hold back tears of utter sadness of this episode.  What this has given me is more confidence that my book about changing the way we look after our own well being through a divorce, cannot come soon enough.  

Be the light for your children

Natasha Xx


I AM SO EXCITED!!!!  I have LITERALLY just created a private FB Group How to be a Divorce GoddessIf you want to be part of a positive, supportive and new divorce community, it would be lovely if you can join us.

My mission is to change the way society looks at divorce by creating a community of 'empowered, good and kind' divorce trail blazers, the showers, the way seers and goddesses and to do divorce differently! This is where I will be spending time during the week to answer any questions, share with you thoughts and tips to help you along your journey, post my FB lives and have some fun - laughter is the best medicine! 

My wish for this group is to support each other, share experiences of the breakthroughs, tips to help keep your emotional, physical and mental well-being in a good place through your divorce and meet like minded lovely people all going through big stuff.

Join me here: Divorce Goddess

Instagram: Divorce Goddess
Twitter: Divorce_Goddess


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