Sunday, 29 April 2018

Letting go is The New Holding on in Breaking Up and Divorce

  • Letting go is the new holding on.... Why do we behave the same way again and again and expect everything to be different? Through my breakup what I learnt was this... the more I tried to control stuff happening, like how soon was I was going be able to move on, drop the grief, sadness and heartbreak the more it stayed with me. 
  • Where we focus our thoughts and direct our inner control freakery is where we are asking the energy to stay and that's with us! Sometimes this is easier to see and sometimes we are in the thick of it and our levels of frustration and impatience are climbing the walls. And this lovely breakupers is when we need to let go of any expected outcome... throw it up in the air, don't try to juggle whats up there and see what happens, what floats down in the natural Universal order. At some point you have to trust that stuff isn't going to break because you let it go and it will find it's own sweet way back to where it needs to be in the right way.
  • Life becomes harder and more painful when we try to control stuff. The fear monkeys come to play, we feel out of control and we just get more sad, angry, frustrated AND our breakups are not so harmonious.  We are told to 'pick our battles', actually maybe don't pick them at all with a view to the more we don't go looking for them the less the appear. It doesn't mean to say that they don't get sorted, a breakup happens with less anger, upset and pain for all concerned, and everyone feels better without the negativity.

    Have a great week X
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Sunday, 11 March 2018

Hope is a Mother's Day Card for a Single Parent

Mother's Day is ostensibly a day of celebration and love, flowers and cards. We revere our Mums, we spoil,
Photo by Alina Sofia on Unsplash
cook for and we try very hard to give back in a day, recognition for all that they do, with love and kindness for us every day of their lives. 

Mums are like this spring of flowing and eternal love, even when we don't properly feel it - they are there, they are part of our fabric and they matter.

For single Mums, I can tell you honestly, it can be the rawest. The eternal and relentless days of doing it on their own can be felt so palpably, especially when children are too young to remember and there is no support from an Ex. This special day can fall hard, harder than most other given Sundays. 

It really is at these times that we feel deep pain, a sense of being invisible and we can feel like we are disappearing under the waters of 'forgottenness'. Mother's Day is a day to be honoured, acknowledged and cared for. It is also a day where Exs are able to make a huge difference by stepping up to support their children's Mum with a sense of kindness and respect. Helping your children to acknowledge their Mum on Mother's Day is not onerous, it can just be a card, a box of chocolates or a hand picked bunch of flowers... this awareness, of what mum's do in a single parent capacity is like having the sun fully come out for us. It in truth doesn't take much and take it from me - we feel it ten fold. It is simply about honouring the other half of your children and who brought them into the world. 

So this morning I was given two lovely cards and a promise of being taken out one day. 
What I realised is this. I do not need the decoration of flowers or cards in my home to celebrate the mummahood of what I do every day, it is about what I truly love. It is the unexpected hugs, when possible from my teenagers, or a big smile and a thank you. Moments of natural thankfulness work for me every time rather than the merchandise spray painted with glitter for this certain Sunday of the year. 

Loving our Mums is recognising their presence despite the trials and tribulations that come with them. That we have our Mums still with us even when they get in the way, they fret or are downright irritating and un-PC beyond belief. I am grateful to my Mum for all that she has taught me, with the blueprint of her life handed to me. So I could learn to maybe do things differently, to inspire me to notice the things she loves that I might not otherwise have seen in the world. For the twice weekly check-ins, the news paper cuttings that drop onto the doormat from the post. The thought that Mothers have for
everything each and everyday and how grateful we are for having our mums here with us and realising their total importance in lives and in the world as a whole.

After divorce or your breakup Mother's Day can be hard, the families that get together with the Dad's supporting the children, to support their Mother's rest up day. As a single Mum it is hard to see. The 'aloneness' is felt on the Sunday walk and I had my Mum with me for the weekend. Tears found their passage and they fell several times today for being able to tell my dear Mum I love her. 

It is my wish and hope, in amongst the marketeering flora that we can all feel a sense of gratitude for our Mums, for what they do for us, and how they repeatedly show up for their children no matter what is happening. 

Never more so is the loss and pain of a Mum who has passed on felt than on days like these. The whole of the social media exploding with floral delights and celebratory lunches is served up too alongside many who experience deep pain, sadness and the very real, daily missing of a Mum in their lives.

Hug those Mums of yours, tell them you love them, call them often, spoil them with kind words... do it every day, not just on Mother's Day.

With love x

Join my FREE private Facebook group How to be a Divorce Goddess and be part of this positive, supportive and new divorce community. I love this group and would love you to be part of it. My mission is to change the way society looks at divorce by creating a community of empowered, good and kind divorce trail blazers, and who want to do divorce differently x

Monday, 5 March 2018

How to Find Your Mojo After a Breakup

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash
Breakups, separation or divorce can properly take the wind out of your gorgeous sails, the life carpet out from under your feet. It is easy to end up feeling out of sorts, perhaps a little washed up and not really knowing who you truly are and what you are about.

Finding your MOJO, your inner funny or your unique 'what make's you, 'YOU' can take a little time to return. The trick is to not go looking for it, let it come back to you naturally.  Through relationships we can forget who we are, we can become chameleon like and in the more controlling and narcissistic ones it is easier to lose ourselves. We judge ourselves to be not good enough, to be unattractive and not able to voice how we feel. We lose confidence in ourselves, our MOJO feels a little like a dying ember and it is hard to find the life bellows to reignite our enthusiasm.  And sometimes, unexpectedly, the bellows will come to you.

Re-finding my mischief, laughter and ultimately the strength to believe in myself came from within. Self-care, nourishment and a big dose of gentle love for my inner 'funny' gave me the confidence to know, that I could be me, worthy of being heard and able to love again. Maybe it is when you find yourself with a bunch of strangers you've never met before and properly laughing. Feeling a little of the mischief that comes with mutual attraction and letting yourself go. Having fun, feeling brave and putting yourself out of your comfort zone.... all of which is liberating. 
Photo by Nigel Tadyanehondo on Unsplash

These times are unexpected, they are gifts, so try to notice how your body feels, are you feeling the frisson of happiness in your cells and mind, do you catch yourself smiling so hard your cheeks ache?  Do your eyes shine because you feel alive? Do you feel that sassy sexiness once more, working every bit that is your lovely flawsome self and loving your own positive energy. That is your MOJO working its magic, the feel good vibes and it is you!

After the storm of a breakup it is okay not to know who you are. So try giving yourself permission to not know or at least don't be in a rush! It is always tempting to be someone you aren't because it feels easier. Less scary than having to look at ourselves and understand why the break up happened rather than believing you are worthy of being you. Be gentle and don't sell yourself short...

Try being with yourself, remember what you love doing and go do that - visit an art gallery, go to a gig or even if it is simply putting on that favourite colour scarf you've missed wearing or that outfit that your Ex never liked.

We live in a society where so many people are trying to be something they are not, so be you, invest some time in getting to know yourself again as you would researching or learning about anything in life. Notice the great parts about you, love the perfect imperfections of who you are and trust you are everything you are meant to be for the right person.

Your mojo hasn't gone and your light isn't out, it's just waiting for you to notice it, shine it up and show the world.

Natasha x

Monday, 29 January 2018

How A Divorce can be a Chance to Rebirth Your Life

We all know by now how we each feel when the word divorce comes up. It throws up a whole load of emotions, thoughts and feelings.

Words like sadness, shame, anger, mistrust, blame, tense, small, lonely, failed... they all cosy up together on the bench of divorce supporting expectations of society.  We feel the pain of children, couples and families going through a divorce, it hurts, it is not good and it feels sad and shameful.

So what if there was a way to change the way you view divorce? To make a conscious decision to do things differently? To instead look at your own divorce as a chance to rebirth your life. To be the change and instead of treading the path of negativity, you could instead feel entrepreneurial and opportunistic, free to carpe diem and rebirth your life?

Is life not so short that despite a marriage breakdown we could still have the opportunity to feel and be happy, relieved, reborn, free, lighter, bigger and expanded again?

What if, we all took the word divorce, gave it a big shot of empowerment and self-worth and owned the experience by seeing it as an opportunity to learn, evolve and grow from it.

I realised and understood very early on in my divorce that I had a...

CHOICE and that

◉     I could take a left turn OR right turn
◉     I could say yes OR no
◉     I could get angry OR let that it go
◉     I could choose to learn from this life shock OR I could              choose to stay where I was 

I could either see my divorce as a chance to see the big blue sky of life beyond my divorce clouds. That I could grow, heal and embrace myself gently and fully. OR I could choose to be small, angry and stay forever in the personal failure pit of blame, shame and despair.

How does a divorce become the chance to rebirth your life? How can you even make that decision when you are feeling desolate, ashamed, guilty, sad, heartbroken? I began to meditate... as much as I could. I gifted myself the space to be quiet, still and I listened to what my inner voice, gut instinct or intuition was telling me. No matter what society feels you 'should' do (take that word out and burn it I tell you), ultimately it is you trusting that you have your own back. You may be confused as to how you even got to be in this place - the failure of the decisions you made. Ask yourself this, were the life decisions made based upon your gut instinct or with life conditioning guiding you to do what you felt you 'should' do (damn there is that word again).

Divorce is your opportunity to fully have some maybe difficult dialogue with yourself. And for the first time probably ever begin to hear, through meditation - mostly, that you properly know what is right for you and what isn't. Having an angry divorce supported by society's mind monkey thoughts is what is expected - but is it what you want, truly? 

As you begin to change the way you view and your intention about having a kinder divorce  you are incredibly, gently shifting the energy from negative to positive. Whether you understand energy or not, there is nothing more empowering to think more positively and then for life to match your thoughts and a situation to improve.

The first step is a simple letter of intention to yourself - how do you want your divorce to be? Write down every scary, hopeful, out there thought. Affirm to yourself that you can do this, your soon to be Ex may not but you can. It is you who will live with your decisions for the rest of your life, the ones we berate ourselves about, the head under the covers ones and the ones we can ruminate and hold the disappointment of for years.  I knew I wanted the rest of my years to be filled with kindness, self-worth and inspiration. 

To welcome in the rest of my extraordinary life.

What do you choose?

Natasha x

Join my FREE private Facebook group How to be a Divorce Goddess and be part of this positive, supportive and new divorce community. I love this group and would love you to be part of it all. My mission is to change the way society looks at divorce by creating a community of empowered, good and kind divorce trail blazers, way seers and goddesses and who want to do divorce differently! 

Friday, 26 January 2018

Does Mediation Help You Have a Kinder Divorce?

So I have heard so many failed mediation stories and I wanted to share my own experience which was positive. I want to tell you that mediation can work, it takes effort, patience and kindness, but it can work.  And let's face it we need all the help we can get when stepping onto the road of divorce...

So I was married for almost 18 years and have two children. I co-ran a business with my Ex who lived overseas for most of our married life together.  Sadly due to the amount of time spent apart we both agreed to a divorce and these are my thoughts on mediation.


What made us both decide to proceed down the mediation route was the love for our children and their welfare. Talking to our children about our impending separation and divorce, naturally hit all of us really hard. My Ex and I each saw the fear, pain and confusion in our very much loved children's eyes and in order to alleviate the damage to our children, we knew we had to be kind through all of this. Both of us understood that attending mediation was potentially a positive way forward to help us achieve this.

Mediation seemed to be the most compassionate yet logical way to proceed along this potentially fraught path of pain, grief and guilt.  We had been recommended mediation by other couples who had been through the process with an amicable outcome.  Knowing this gave us confidence in mediation. They were real couples who were still friends and giving their changed family unit the continued and gentle respect it deserved.

Our children just wanted to know that everything was going to be okay. We realised early on that children's radars are bang on and that when we functioned as a positive divorcing unit, rather than two warring parties their stress levels reduced.

I chose my solicitor who supported the process of mediation. It made sense and I had no wish to continue a marital battle now that a decision to divorce had been made.

Our mediators understand the legalities, but without any game plan.  This assured me enormously and gave me a platform of trust and hope for the sessions. Entering into mediation kind of gave me permission to leave my ego at the door of the room. This is a tough call but I didn't want to fight anymore.  I knew instinctively that by gently taking my ego out of the situation, it would help me/us to move forward one step at a time, beginning to build, albeit, a fragile web of trust. I just needed to be brave, trust and feel empowered to do it.

Our mediators were kind, professional and were great at alleviating any angst whilst working through many of the trickier points. Our situation was so complicated financially that we were assigned two mediators - I liked this and I really believed without doubt they were working for all our benefit. 

They were very complimentary about our attitude which was helpful, supportive and affirmed to us that we had chosen the right path. Both my Ex and I operate very differently in life and yet we were both confident, trusting and relieved about the process we had chosen, which helped us, rather than hindered us during this life changing time..

Preparing for mediation involved collecting together paperwork regarding mortgages, bank statements, pension documents etc.  We were also asked for our initial thoughts on where we were going to live, how we would manage co-parenting and financial support that was most beneficial for our children and for us both. Having a sense of direction was important for me, I needed to have a focus for my attention, it helped me feel stronger and more in control.  It also gave me the confidence to begin rebuilding a life for me and our children.

We had 7 mediation sessions. This was not due to any difficulty in communicating and working as a divorcing couple, but because of the constant changing scary financial situation that we had to work through and the fact that my Ex had been living overseas.


They were always going to visit ....
  • Would I like and trust our mediators? During separation and divorce you are fearful, wary and vulnerable.  There are many people giving you helpful advice, trusting your instincts and having confidence in your mediators is important. 
  • How do I find a qualified mediator? Go on to the Resolution - First For Family Law website where you can find lawyers and mediators who are all committed to the process. Ask for positive recommendations - meet your mediators first, get a feel for them as you would other professionals you would trust and work with.
  • How scary is it in the mediation room?  Yup.... Why scary? This is new, you may not have been through mediation before, neither of you know what to expect or how you are going to react to each other. Especially if either or both of you are hurting and are angry.  Accept that it is going to be challenging and that this is normal in new situations, coupled with the ragged divorce brain, be prepared for heightened sensitivity and be mindful of the words you use.
  • Can mediation work for you? There was a fleeting moment when my Ex and I Iooked at each other across the table and knew that each of us had decided to be brave and take that leap of faith and trust in mediation. I felt it was important to have the intention that mediation would work. Divorce throws you into a flat spin and focusing on one thing and trusting it can be difficult.  See mediation happening and working - put it out there and did I mention trust - yes trust.
  • Will it be emotional?  Yes, this is a life roller-coaster you are on.  Will there be tears? Tissues on the table oh and tea - YES! Mediators really want this to work for you and for your children, they are caring and human. Be aware on the day how you are feeling, if you haven't slept for the last couple of nights, you may feel on edge, be more likely to react negatively. This is normal, however if you are not feeling up to going into mediation, be kind to yourselves and rearrange the session. Save yourself the distress, money and time.  Making each session work for you is learning to understand the value of patience, understanding and kindness for you both.
  • Is this the best process for you? Yes, if you have trust in the process and each other. Whether you sign up for the mediation process or court process the decision is up to you. Whichever route you decide upon, be focused, committed and kind... 
  • How will we feel after a session?  My Ex and I were so relieved that it was balanced, calm and simplistic.  We thanked each other after every session for being kind, respectful and gentle. This was a practice we continued after every session. It reaffirmed our commitment to co-parenting our children and to both our futures.
  • Mediation payment?  We found that mediation sessions were far less expensive than meeting with our solicitors and this was important to us.  Knowing that our finances would not be so depleted was a comfort, especially during a time when finances are so very often an important part of the present and the future.
Mediation for me was positive, empowering and helped me to put in place a co-parenting relationship that, to this day is healthy, supportive and good for the whole family's well being. Self-care for yourself during your divorce is paramount, exploring avenues that reduce the pain and suffering for the whole family is scary but so worthwhile. 

I urge you to try mediation if your intention is to have a more mindful and kinder divorce.

Natasha x

Join my FREE private Facebook group How to be a Divorce Goddess and be part of a positive, supportive and new divorce community. I love this group and want you to be part of it all. My mission is to change the way society looks at divorce by creating a community of empowered, good and kind divorce trail blazers, way seers and goddesses and who want to do divorce differently! 

Monday, 18 December 2017

Thoughts on a More Mindful Christmas...

Divorce or no divorce this Christmas stuff can be challenging. Without wanting to feel too humbuggish this year... it feels to me from chats with family, friends and clients that everyone seems to be a little 'over' the build up.

We are all tired of the excess, the stress and pressure that comes with this celebratory time of year.... so here are my thoughts and top tips for a more mindful Christmas...

So lovely people it is one meal
... notice the stress in those dear shoulders, tummies or in your temples that is happening in the buildup to Christmas. Do we not all feel that we are over the big Christmas show? Is there a more productive way we could be celebrating Christmas - offering to volunteer, help others, help save our dear planet Earth from more and more plastic, sparkly wrapping paper and the glitter that is clogging our sea creatures?  Do we need to feel the credit card pressure during the duller months at the beginning of the year? Do we not have enough of so much?

I read somewhere a wonderful post on buying presents... so basically you buy 3 presents for your children:
  • One to play with
  • One that is useful
  • One to wear
And if you are struggling with the 3, you can grant yourself permission to buy a 4th - a book to give them on Christmas Eve...

How wonderful is this idea... I have tried it out this year and my two teenagers are literally so excited by the Magic 4 - and because books are important they have the 4 :)

And finally to end my thoughts on Christmas this year... please knock on a neighbour's door, invite them in for a drink and get to know them, especially if they are elderly... loneliness is so tough, I have been at times in my life so lonely I felt I had all but disappeared... please let us all remember that everyone is worthy of being remembered...

Ohhhh and it is just one meal...... XX

My Top 8 Tips for a Happier & Mindful Christmas

  • Go for a walk - get yourself or everyone into the fresh air, be in nature and feel the stress lessen. Even better, offer to be chief dog walker...
  • Be kind to yourself - have a nice bath, a nap or treat yourself WITHOUT feeling guilty, to your favourite food or hot drink, read something light-hearted, listen to music you haven't listened to for ages.
  • Preparing food for Christmas – indulge your senses as you become aware of the rich flavours, smells, textures and sights of the feasts in store. Sensory winter wonderland...
  • Wrapping presents – use if you can, wrapping time as a meditation. Being aware of the feel of the paper, texture, sound of the cutting, sticking, the smell or feel of presents. This I appreciate can be tricky... Wrapping for me is usually beyond 10pm on Christmas Eve with a glass of red on the side...
  • Listening to family and friends - notice when you aren’t listening. Instead, you may be thinking of something else to say. Notice any tendency to jump in or add to the conversation. Gently come back to actually listening. Check in with how much you love to be listened to if this helps.
  • Standing in queues - a big one for many... Ask yourself, what is going through my mind, what sensations are there in my body and what emotions and impulses am I aware of? Take a deep breath then consciously push your feet into the floor and notice how strong your frustrations are... and take a moment to notice how stressed others may be feeling around you... had they only known this tip!
  • 3 min breathing space...  3 Step Breathing Space
  • 10 Finger Gratitude exercise - if everything is feeling too much, try thinking of 10 things to be grateful for. There is a lot we are able to be grateful for and if a few relatives for a couple of days is too much, there are many who have no one and very little else...                
Have an amazing Christmas. If you can try to remember this... whatever is going on for you is what is happening now and life never stays the same. It moves on, it does change and it is trusting that you are all worthy of the good in life...

With love Xx

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

Managing a Co-Parenting Christmas After Divorce

Photo by on Unsplash
I have been having a big think about Christmas, what it means during or after a divorce and how best we can weather the emotional storms this time of year can bring. Aching hearts, angry emotions and more often than not children in the mix - it is a fine time for so much to go right or wrong.

So this year I wanted to share something with you.  

It would seem this year the co-parenting that my Ex and I have both worked so hard at, has reaped its karmic kindness, call it an understanding Christmas bonus with abundant goodwill. For real!

Here is the deal, I was due to go to my Sister's for a big family Christmas. My children love seeing their cousins and it was a rare opportunity for a family Christmas. It was also my Ex's Christmas with the teens and he generously agreed after a respectful, diplomatic and set it all out in a reasonable way - ie no dictating to, threatening or emotional blackmail behaviour that is, for me to have our teens this year. 

It was all planned, everyone content, accepting and happy. Then the call came from my sister about ongoing, laborious and slow building work at her house and thus our family Christmas was to be cancelled. Noooooooo - the decision, the disappointment and the reshuffling, rescheduling and best laid plans all came tumbling down... 

And this is life, and as is so often the way, fast side balls come out of nowhere, they do their damnedest to wobble, mess with our heads and hearts. It is then that we need to remember to try to step back from our emotions, the jumbles of thoughts and scenarios crowding our frazzled minds and to breathe. To accept that these things happen, plans change and how our mind monkeys can grab this opportunity and run with the 'disaster' scenario running through our minds, if we let them. 

So I am thinking that maybe, this plan was not what was meant to happen this year... disappointing yes! A desperately failed Christmas - no...

So I phoned my Ex, explained the situation and asked him if he could spend Christmas with our teens. He was delighted, confirming his work - literally in the last couple of days has taken him away somewhere hot and would I be okay if he flew the teens out with his partner for a couple of weeks on a warm lovely holiday? 
Photo by Chris Brignola on Unsplash

Amazing! The joy of how life rolls! We will Skype on Christmas Day, I will spend Christmas with friends and our teens will be loving some warm sea and fun beach time with their dad. Not one person in this scenario is making any demands emotionally on our children during this time. Divorce time and Christmas is heavy, this we know. 

Call it serendipity, flow or whatever. The more we notice and let go, the simpler life becomes. With kindness, understanding and being mindful of each other, the more we relax, and the more we all relax the easier everything becomes. The Law of Attraction, positive attracts positive - whatever sits well with you is what seems to fill the uncertain life spaces when we let go. 

Christmas is about our children, and we as parents need to be bigger, to let go of and stop shaking our control freakery maracas every now and then, and to trust that the right thing will happen. We feel better if we are all kinder and more understanding. To be able to work together without rigid boundaries and let life flow when...  we get out of our own way...
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Try to be open to any changes that happen, understand there just may be a reason why things don't always go the way we want them to. Celebrate and embrace the life changes, the adjustments or reworkings.  Life is too short for us to see the unexpected as always being negative...

Wishing you all a fantastically karmic, kind and gentle Christmas...

Natasha x

Letting go is The New Holding on in Breaking Up and Divorce

Letting go is the new holding on.... Why do we behave the same way again and again and expect everything to be different? Through my br...