Sunday, 20 July 2014

Moving house!

To all the lovely dear readers who follow me all over the World. From happy places, sad places, from places of peace and places of conflict. I want to tell you that all you wonderful readers give me such strength, positivity and hope to continue to write especially when life gets really tough.  

I have been slow of late in writing as my life has been filled with a degree of uncertainty over the last couple of months and I have on occasions let those fear monkeys in to party in my head, clog it, fog it and fill it up with unhelpful stuff.

The subject of me moving house and renting a less expensive, smaller house has been ruminating for a few months. As a parent your fears for putting a roof over your head for your children, yourself and your pets is none more invitational to the fear monkeys as when you are divorcing.  Unless you are so very fortunate to have someone watching your back financially, the night terrors become your dreams and your basic existence of four walls for a safe place for your children is your reality.

So through serendipity, a little karma, a touch of kismet and the Universe a house fell into my lap...... I believed so hard it would come and not always in the form you thought it would appear. But it has come to me, my children and my dogs and I have such enormous gratitude to what life hands you in all its sparkling incredible glory you when you are least expecting it.

So I am surrounded by boxes, moving existence has hit our little house and this is why my blog has been quiet.... I am filled with inspiration to write about these months and share with you all the continued belief I have that all will be well, it will be OK. We will have a safe roof over our heads, which is at the end of the day what truly matters.

With my love Natasha

Thursday, 26 June 2014

The Power in Forgiving Yourself

Self-forgiveness is really hard.  Within our lives, there are so many pressures to succeed, stay strong and maintain self worth. And these feelings have the ability, at any given moment, to sneak up and without warning, consume your mind, body and spirit.  

Being kind and forgiving yourself a little more through separation or divorce is weighty and sometimes an unexpected task now added to your perhaps List of Forgiveness jobs.

However, self-forgiveness does exist in all of our hearts. Why, because we all know that as with self-love, it is a good idea to start with our good selves first. How are we ever going to learn to forgive anyone else, until the blatant blaze of scary rawness within us is soothed, understood, given time and due process to be still and calm?

We have become so very proficient at layering up the proverbial guilt ridden and genius moments of indulgence.  Perhaps with unhelpful foods, smoking, drinking, feeling the big resentment, hurt, shame or anger... 

We already know that we will not disappoint the fear monkeys who sit on our shoulders waving that cupcake with a knowing nod to our guilt laden scales.  

Or the eternally optimistic ego, co-existing quietly and darkly with the head primates during our daylight hours. So why is it so hard to extend love and self-forgiveness to our good, loving and trusting hearts? Why can we not boost our sometimes lonely little battered spirit along its way? 

We can begin to understand the difference to our lives, by choosing, one day at a time not to beat ourselves up over the many sometimes, inexplicable life decisions. 

So is this the prescriptive daily judgement of being human which should govern our lives? Why do we do it?  Can we not just let the baton of self-flagellation be still for just one day, a week or possibly for ever?

Can we be the most focused, self-supporting and gorgeously forgiving gift to ourselves, especially during times of sadness, hardship and confusion?  Do we begin to allow this positivity of feeling to make the difference and become the AMAZING start to any day? 

Forgiving yourself is one of the most important steps in making peace with your life. Its about understanding you are a wonderfully loving human being.  It is all the happiness you can be and your amazing contribution of beautiful energy into the World around you.  

It could also be, that once in a while a little cake helps ....
With love Natasha

Friday, 13 June 2014

Father's Day and a Divorce

As all divorced mums and dads know there are just some days during the year that are trickier emotionally than others. Pulling the big bag of generosity out of our depleted reserves is thus sometimes a whole lot tougher than others.

Here is a question, in this modern co-parenting and divorcing, married and distance managing family world of ours are we all subscribing to Father’s Day?

We know that there are more Fathers now staying at home.  They are more hands on helping, contributing to childcare and supporting the family fabric of our lives.  As well, the good intentions of Fathers are there in their thoughts and actions, despite the balance of the pressures of commuting, long working hours and increasing financial pressures. 

So the marketeering monkeys are all set with cards, chocolates, books and golf or fish style additions to give our Fathers the assurance of love and worthiness. Whether you believe in celebrating Father's Day or not is immaterial. It can be a wonderful, caring opportunity for separating or divorced families to help make things good

Is it entirely possible to leave your ego at the door of your aching heart and gift your kids the value of time and effort to show their appreciation for their Dad?  Does then Father's Day become a day to relent a little, forgive and extend respect to the Dad of your children?

Are you so very fortunate in your relationship with the children's Father, to be able to support your children with the acknowledgement of their Dad in whichever role and in whatever form that is?

Can divorce become a big 'Welcome to Real Fatherville' flag to Dads who perhaps haven't in the past paid so much attention to their children and can really start to get to know them. The very fact that Fathers will have one to one time in the future with their children will certainly enable the 'getting to know' the every nuance our children have.  Divorcing dads may have to learn to cook, iron, organise homework and sort out the bickering and truly understand how much emotional support is needed during childhood and those divorcing tough times. 

Is it not right then, if your children's Father is present in whatever shape or form in your children's lives that Father's Day should be given due credence and note?  Or maybe not if that fine human emotion of respect has been dragged kicking and screaming into the fear monkey's castle of sadness, which is divorce. Or that our children associate the celebration of Father's Day as a big, smack in the tummy reality that their Father is just not around. Thus questioning that he even cares and does he warrant any such attachment such as recognition, love and respect?

So is Father's Day a celebration of what is good about Dads? Or is it another opportunity for us all to realise the disparities between the monkey marketeers judgement and the reality of the modern family?

Could it just be that the simplicity is in the biological fact that he is their Dad. Fundamentally, it would seem that all children want to know is that the other parental half of what created them, in some way, could be acknowledged by his existence. That they are supported with the simple fact that their Dads are important in their lives.

I know that my children are happier for the respect I show towards their Dad. They are more relaxed and content that he is a part of their lives.  Their Father’s Day this year will be a positive for him, their relationship and future will be all the more productive and respectful.  The ability to support this special eternal relationship will be a reward for all, that kindness and love is the way forward.

Just now need to get organised, find the arts and crafts regalia for the cards and with it the proclamation of Dad love

With love Natasha

Thursday, 29 May 2014

Divorce : Grandparents Hurt Too

You know those mornings, the ones where you are so very fortunate to be near a stretch of water so flat and is perfect... untouched by any such interaction from any human, animal or bird.  

And then a rock is unexpectedly sometimes dropped into this calm water. The effects of such a jolting disturbance reverberate and the shock wave ripples begin to travel from the impact site to their anointed destinations. The separation or divorce rock thrown into the ebb and flow of marital existence and the ramifications affect everyone within it. 

So we pretty much know that whether intentionally or not, this rock is going to start affecting all folks close to us dreamily cloud gazing in their life boats. Those boats that are gently bobbing about on the tranquil lake.  Here is the thing, for a while this water is going to be stormy, disturbed. There are some who will be touched, or those whose lives will be drenched with the very bothered water. It is the fallout, it is divorce. 

And one of those little boats may be carrying grandparents. 

So there in the middle of the lake is a life continuing piece of the family world that are grandparents.  Their children may be married or in a relationship, they may have grandchildren and all is well... then the rock drops....there is shock... of course there is.

These parents of ours, do they now, whilst trying to fathom out the uncertain depths of the disturbed stillness, do they question how well they knew their now adult children?  Did they see signs of the rock, held by the uncertain grip of together foreverness being dangled over the water? Would a little private truth and integrity chat with your children about their marriage before this have gone amiss?... Divorce affects everyone... we all know it does and it may be well to remember grandparents in this now stormy lake.
If you are fortunate to have loving and supportive grandparents there is shock involved, they have concerns for their children. Most of all they really want to know their very much loved grandchildren are going to be alright. They may be more mindful of their grandchildren than of you... they will be there for you, supporting you, but grandparents worry about the grandchildren .... a lot. 

Thoughts and decisions, for instance about what to do with the marital photos, the once happy family photos.  What do they choose to do?  Do they keep them for when the grandchildren stay and remind the children that they still love this family unit or do they slowly start taking them down? This hurts, the mantle piece has been systematically altered overnight. The future invitations to family gatherings has changed. It has all changed and it is all tinged with the shame monkeys skirting in their predatory way on the periphery.

The grandparents really don't want to acknowledge those fear monkeys who are giving them a little wave whilst they row furiously out to Grandparent Island ... Its too late to say "quick hide, the shaming fear monkeys wont find us". Why? Because the rest of the grandparent social and slightly competitive world will eek them out. 

We all understand the need for those inquiring, dreaded and difficult questions that head our way. Perhaps at social gatherings, within a church support network and with friends. It is all going to come bubbling up and out into the grandparent open. With the feeling of a little shame that one of their own is entering into the divorce family existence in all its unexpected, unknown with sad difference.  

Is there a sense of failure that rests with the grandparents?... Of course....When any of our life happiness grand plans goes ever so slightly awry we look a little closer at ourselves. We ask a few more searching questions and dig a little deeper. We all try very hard to make it all a little less painful, more positive and we begin to move on.  

With good, honest and true love, together with the kindness and respect that exists in all our good hearts and lives that we have for each other. Time once again becomes the life balm, the waters return to a soothing and once again calm.

With love Natasha