Saturday, 25 March 2017

Ex's and Mothers Day After Divorce

Ok so Exs and Mothers Day... how does this feel?  Divorcing kindly takes effort, big effort and respect, attention and time... being in a good place, if possible with your Ex leads to a far more harmonious life for your kids, for you and your wider circle of family and friends.

Mother's Day is one of those such days that is important for everyone.  Our own mum's surrogate mums and even the mum of your kids, who, (perhaps you don't care to or want to remember that hurt you through divorce) can with a little stepping up, be honoured for the sake of your kids. Even for just one day of the year can make the difference and would it not be a gift to your kids to know their mum is worthy of respect and kindness for their own well being, sense of worth and development? Their mum is half of them, of who they are and children need to know that the person they were borne by, despite any marital misgivings, is important.

We all know there is merit in respecting your Ex, as the person who bore your kids and for their future in helping create a climate of respect for women in the world and this can begin at home with you.  Do we not think this is where we, as humans begin to build a firmer, more cohesive and respectful society starting in our own community?

Could it be entirely possible within your power to do something completely beyond your comfort zone, outside of the box, to ensure your kids have the resources and ideas to help celebrate their Mother's Day?  How good would you feel that for even one day, you are supporting your kids as you acknowledge the importance of their Mum in their life by helping organise a card or bunch of flowers - even from the garden? Check in to this post to see how on his Ex's Birthday Billy Flynn made a difference.

My Ex has a saying "happy ex-wife, happy life" - it works for us - we respect each other enough to support this - neither of us wanting to continue rowing or arguing after we separated and divorced.  We were all done with this during the last couple of years of our marriage and so why go for more?  Can Mother's Day be an opportunity to make some painful stuff less so? Arguing is exhausting, energetically draining and a waste of time... what we can do is help each other and if by giving the children the chance to see that good stuff can come out of sad endings, this day might just be a chance...

Mothers Day is an ideal opportunity to show up for your kids, maybe surprise their mum and surely... any level of support, kindness and effort on Mother's Day is going to be appreciated... so go do it ... help be the reason for smiles on this day.

Natasha x

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Sunday, 19 March 2017

Mindful Internet Dating After Divorce


So there is a little part of me tempted to explore the avenue of internet dating to 'find' love. Having spent a weekend with a happy divorced school friend who successfully found love via the internet, I thought it about time I took a peek. Not the swipe left or right, or fishing site, but a committed, authentic and productive portal of intention and fun, honesty and laughter.

So bracing myself I logged on, thought briefly about what I wanted to say, I wrote a few lines, answered half of the questions about films, books and the like and ventured to press go... it was free to begin with and that felt less scary, with little commitment and time to explore.

I spent a couple of days looking at messages and approaches - feeling good about the attention and curious too. The site had 'hooked' me, I wanted to see faces and I liked that it was initially about who people were rather than looks, this dating site felt more authentic. I contemplated the money screen and how this was going to change things for me, payment is a mindful intention to commit to something.  

So the paying bit had me thinking, when we see an advert for a product or service, we are being sold something.  We buy into it with the full force of quality assurance and service laws behind us.  Even the big giants of second hand goods on the internet have processes in place monitoring quality, truth and integrity. So why do we not do afford the same respect to our own selves, as we sell our 'I am single, I would love to meet someone who will hold me, kiss me, cherish me, love and want to spend the rest of my life with' pitch. WOW indeed a huge order for a service or product provision.... so why are there so many dating men and women not giving each other the integrity, honesty and the respect we deserve?  

For divorcees and single folk there is a whole load of emotional pain, hurt and heartache on the cards before we even press the 'pay' button. So why do so many bypass the common laws of humanity by presenting false personas when it comes to love over the internet? Do the untruths attract back what is put out there?  Do we not all want honesty - especially second time round? My friend and her partner both lied about their ages and are blissfully happy. So is this about the law of attraction, luck or karma? What does help us find our soul mate? 

Is honesty something we all want? If you are not feeling gorgeous in your body - get fit and healthy, celebrate your extra years and believe your life experiences can only help you in the next relationship. Do the emotional work before you internet date and ask yourself whether you really are ready for a new relationship? Are you ready to make time for a relationship if the right person comes along?  If you have kids, are they ready? Is this about your loneliness? Lovely people - get comfy with your stuff, with who you are and know that you are worthy as you are... 

Be mindfully aware of how others on the site could be feeling, what they may have gone through and their reasons for pressing 'pay' too. Thank people for their interest and be interested in them, be thoughtful and kind. Try not to set high expectations or thoughts about your date, try not to pressurise yourself and focus your attention positively as to why you are on the site. Have fun, flirt and allow it to be easy without the need to control too much. Be open to meeting your soul mate and a love to get old with...

So who am I connecting with on this particular site? Kind, polite and regular smiley guys with a whole load of gentle honesty about life. I've found a group of men who have the same thoughts and beliefs about life as I do, who have been through some tough times and are on a journey of self-discovery and growth.   

I've had my first blind date for years, was I nervous - yes, disappointed - no because he was authentic. After a coffee we ended up in the local vinyl shop comparing our years of music buying and laughing... there was no pressure except for a cheeky lunge for a kiss at the end and I came away feeling that truth, gut instinct and kindness can help us all meet good and lovely people online.  

My question to you is this... is it about where you go shopping that matters or is it knowing your self-worth and being fully comfortable in your own skin that attracts the right people in? Is kindness and respect important? Is being mindful of whether you are fully ready to move on, with a positive and committed intention going to attract your soul mate or is it luck? We shall see...

Natasha x 

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