Recently I have found myself in the company of several couples whose marriages are not so happy .... they haven’t been happy for a long time.
As good married couples they have trundled along...through the the long sleepless deprived stage of small children and mortgage payments, career influence and possible mid-life crises. This all interspersed with sporadic extra efforts, be it in the marital bedroom or maybe kitchen, 'team together' life happenings and well ... just because, well, being with someone you know and are unhappy with is easier and less scary than leaving....
And so my question is this...
To what level of unhappiness, loneliness and I am sad to say, abuse, do we each tolerate in order to see this unsatisfying life of ours through? What is acceptable to us as couples, that we give ourselves an easier, permissible acceptance to be miserable, lonely and at times sexually frustrated that we stay in such legal agreement? And surely if we are feeling this, are not our partners on some level feeling the same?
Why then is there such surprise when that clear divorce gunshot rings out of the marital blue? At what point do we start to take some personal responsibility for the demise of our relationship? Is it easier surely, to vilify ourselves by apportioning blame elsewhere for our failure to truly prescribe to the sanctified promise of forever? Is it not right and proper that we equally take responsibility for our personal actions, thoughts and conduct whilst in our marriage?
So is it the sadness of disappointment, the inability to take responsibility for the end of a marriage or the easier blame game that makes it so hard for so many to forgive and move on? At what point did we choose to ignore our inner voice nudging us to pull our socks up, to work less, spend less, laugh more, kiss more…. the list of infinite life possibilities….
In mindfulness there is the idea that you can forgive the person, but their actions are borne out of how they are feeling at the time. You know them to be a good person so is it not worth looking at why the marriage has ended? Could it be that your partner's actions were due to unhappiness, loneliness or simply that they had fallen out of love? If this is the case, is our extraordinary life worth time with someone who feels this way?
So I hear cries of what about the children? Yes the children... I agree - so what about our responsibility as a committed married couple who are able to show our children how we can laugh, hug, kiss and talk to each other? Rather than comfortably letting the children be the no-man's land buffer zone for those that cannot speak or make love, cherish or respect each other any more?
So with cries of incredulity and pain, fear and guilt that the marital horse has bolted, are we ready yet to begin to take responsibility?
Who are we most angry with?
Marriage is hard, we have the good times and the bad times, for the majority it balances out, for so many though the scales silently do dip to a private undeniable low. How then can we move on if we choose to continue standing blameless, but so wounded, waving the pained victim flag or self-righteous pointy finger at everyone but ourselves?
It is HARD having a closer look at ourselves...
It’s brutal, thinking we were so assuming that our marriage vows were water tight when so clearly they were not.
Personally looking at the marital breakdown, it is ultimately taking responsibility for our part of the process. It’s the jolt life hands to us sometimes, as our wake up call of what we need to look at in ourselves, be it setting boundaries, acceptance, self-worth, inner peace, truth, happiness, intuition….
With love x
PICK MORE DAISIES
If I had my life to live over again,
I’d dare to make more mistakes next time.
I’d limber up.
I’d be sillier than I’ve been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances,
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.
I would, perhaps, have more actual troubles but fewer imaginary ones.
you see, I’m one of those people who was sensible and sane,
hour after hour,
day after day.
Oh, I’ve had my moments.
If I had to do it over again,
I’d have more of them.
In fact, I’d try to have nothing else- just moments,
one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day.
I’ve been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot-water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute.
If I could do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.
If I had to live my life over,
I would start barefoot earlier in the spring
and stay that way later in the fall.
I would go to more dances,
I would ride more merry-go-rounds,
I would pick more daisies.
– Nadine Stair 85 years old