Thursday, 29 May 2014

Divorce : Grandparents Hurt Too

You know those mornings, the ones where you are so very fortunate to be near a stretch of water so flat and is perfect... untouched by any such interaction from any human, animal or bird.  

And then a rock is unexpectedly sometimes dropped into this calm water. The effects of such a jolting disturbance reverberate and the shock wave ripples begin to travel from the impact site to their anointed destinations. The separation or divorce rock thrown into the ebb and flow of marital existence and the ramifications affect everyone within it. 

So we pretty much know that whether intentionally or not, this rock is going to start affecting all folks close to us dreamily cloud gazing in their life boats. Those boats that are gently bobbing about on the tranquil lake.  Here is the thing, for a while this water is going to be stormy, disturbed. There are some who will be touched, or those whose lives will be drenched with the very bothered water. It is the fallout, it is divorce. 

And one of those little boats may be carrying grandparents. 

So there in the middle of the lake is a life continuing piece of the family world that are grandparents.  Their children may be married or in a relationship, they may have grandchildren and all is well... then the rock drops....there is shock... of course there is.

These parents of ours, do they now, whilst trying to fathom out the uncertain depths of the disturbed stillness, do they question how well they knew their now adult children?  Did they see signs of the rock, held by the uncertain grip of together foreverness being dangled over the water? Would a little private truth and integrity chat with your children about their marriage before this have gone amiss?... Divorce affects everyone... we all know it does and it may be well to remember grandparents in this now stormy lake.
If you are fortunate to have loving and supportive grandparents there is shock involved, they have concerns for their children. Most of all they really want to know their very much loved grandchildren are going to be alright. They may be more mindful of their grandchildren than of you... they will be there for you, supporting you, but grandparents worry about the grandchildren .... a lot. 

Thoughts and decisions, for instance about what to do with the marital photos, the once happy family photos.  What do they choose to do?  Do they keep them for when the grandchildren stay and remind the children that they still love this family unit or do they slowly start taking them down? This hurts, the mantle piece has been systematically altered overnight. The future invitations to family gatherings has changed. It has all changed and it is all tinged with the shame monkeys skirting in their predatory way on the periphery.

The grandparents really don't want to acknowledge those fear monkeys who are giving them a little wave whilst they row furiously out to Grandparent Island ... Its too late to say "quick hide, the shaming fear monkeys wont find us". Why? Because the rest of the grandparent social and slightly competitive world will eek them out. 

We all understand the need for those inquiring, dreaded and difficult questions that head our way. Perhaps at social gatherings, within a church support network and with friends. It is all going to come bubbling up and out into the grandparent open. With the feeling of a little shame that one of their own is entering into the divorce family existence in all its unexpected, unknown with sad difference.  

Is there a sense of failure that rests with the grandparents?... Of course....When any of our life happiness grand plans goes ever so slightly awry we look a little closer at ourselves. We ask a few more searching questions and dig a little deeper. We all try very hard to make it all a little less painful, more positive and we begin to move on.  

With good, honest and true love, together with the kindness and respect that exists in all our good hearts and lives that we have for each other. Time once again becomes the life balm, the waters return to a soothing and once again calm.

With love Natasha

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Wednesday, 21 May 2014

A Life NOT Full of Stuff

'Less stuff, better stuff, more experiences' ... the new mantra suggested by James Wallman in his book "Stuffocation"

Inevitably during separation and divorce there is the time where you both take a realistic look at your life together and begin to draw the material line.  

Whether this line is a firm pen line drawn definitively down the middle, a casual pencil wiggle or just walking away from the whole chattel caboodle is up to you both. 

However you choose to divvy up your worldly goods, you need to remember this is pretty much a life long decision. You really need to be sure you are not going to live to regret the day you gave the stuff away, that keeps the resentment monkeys living unhealthily inside your head and heart.

"... but it is my stuff, that I love, have bought and cherished ...."  Padding our lives out with 'stuff' bears out that fundamental human desire to surround and protect yourself with possessions.  It defines and gives us the social positioning we can choose to jostle for. It gives us recognition, places us in a pecking order within our socio-economic group and with it the seductive material reassurance of life worth.

So these lines we draw whilst sitting in anger, hurt and love? Which do we choose?  Do we choose to punish our Ex through material gain? Do we choose to be guilt free and act with grace?  
So what to do? How about letting go of all the material stuff you ever thought mattered? Can being the generous person and trusting that in letting it all go, you will pave the way for the Law of Attraction to click right on in and deliver? 
Many of us would like to think we could be good at managing without the shackles of 'stuff'. That we could all live more freely of what 'stuff' surrounds us, to enjoy life minimally, simply and cathartically. 
Divvying up your life accouterments is a real life lesson in letting go of what does not necessarily need serve you for your future.  For sure, especially with children in your lives, is it not better to have a little of everything known and familiar to them in each house? But really, do any of us need the attachment of anger and resentment to pieces of wood, metal or plastic that become part of the fabric of our wonderful future lives?

Is it easy to verbalise this until the possibility of stuff being taken from you becomes an ever so slightly heavier mantel to bear and you start to grip a little tighter. Thought processes surrounding 'stuff' kind of begins with the fears of being able to let go.  The irrational brain throws a long old party which is SO RSVP'd by the fear monkeys. They aren't letting in any one of those free thinking, mindful types and they are just not going to open the door to anyone who wants to play nicely.  

SO, help from other areas is always so fabulously welcome. Nowadays everything linked to technical brilliance can be backed up onto hard drives... the technological age has metered out its positives alone by diminishing the 'who has which CD' argument with a little downloading. So a little drive of small, manageable and organised hardness can be moved into your maybe smaller house and you can take all your music travelling... the days of crying over glorious vinyl for many of us are long gone ...   

Holding on to the thought process that 'stuff' empowers you is not always helpful. And invariably hands your fears of losing it to those dreaded monkeys who throw, with abandon, your power away. Fighting over who has ownership of what does nothing but invest in what DOESN'T serve you. It zaps the fantastical emotional freedom as materialism clogs up the life arteries and we end up hiding happiness, love and freedom beneath it all. 

And...isn't happiness, love and freedom what is really important in life? 

So is there a measure of how much we want something? Why does it matter who keeps what? Where does the line of pride fall?  

With love Natasha x

Saturday, 10 May 2014

Quotes to Help You on Those Blues Days

Here are a few of my get up in the morning on the grey days and smile quotes ...We each, in every way, are adding to the magic celebration of life and our world.

We all need to know how amazing we are, we really do, deep down under all those life layers that we are so successful at gently covering ourselves with along the way.  

Those beautiful blankets of truth that we don't want to face, but we love, because they are cosy, where the fear monkeys snuggle up, keeping themselves eternally warm. 

Or that layer of freshly washed, hung on the line and ironed white sheets. Pristine, crisp and perfect until we decide to put them out for the washing.  It is those luxurious feather duvets that cosy us up so we don't need to ever walk out in to the cold place of reality and feel the fears.  

This for me is about remembering who you are at your core. It is about knowing that under all these layers you are the bestest, most amazing person. To learn to appreciate you are as individual as a snowflake in all your incredible beauty.... so sparkle, let the World see how precious you are.

This never fails to make me giggle a lot. It is a sweet little reminder to me and my friends that laughing, on the bluer days, when we are feeling ever so slightly smothered with the humdrum busyness of life is very good for the soul.  

Approaching life's big process, the eternal humdrum of functionality and the crazy hamster wheel of our wonderful life is best served up from the authentic inner you. 

Appreciating of all our nuances, our foibles and personality gorgeousness of who we really are, allows us to see the aspects of our mind, body and spirit of our individuality. This is what we bring to the feasting table that is the awesome life of ours. sometimes my life resembles a very long, busy row of spinning plates all balancing precariously on long spindly sticks. 

The plates momentum has that chemical attraction to those merry folk aka the fear monkeys.  And they want, so badly to mess with your spinning plates and bring them down. This fear equals the worst case scenario, the horror of lacking control, the plates all crashing to the floor and a life that comes tumbling down. 

So... there are times in our life where our knickers get in an almighty twist. We spend an exhaustive amount of time running from one small skinny pillar to bendy little post attempting to keep all the plates perfectly moving in sync. It is tiring, it is not great for your health and you become a stress head monkey. 

So is trying to control every aspect of your life helpful? Is there justifiable relief at being a little more casual and letting control go? Can you trust that by allowing one or more of our life spinning plates to fall to the floor in pieces, that life would be so bad? Can we give ourselves permission to believe that the plates could instead, gently come to a natural gentle halt on their axis?  And life does continue not matter what the plates are up to, fearlessly 'letting go of control' is immensely empowering ... and it allows you more importantly to breathe ...

With love Natasha

Monday, 5 May 2014

An Inspirational Life And Divorce Advice Reminder From a Friend

A Friend gave this to me last year ... she wrote ...."I've always loved this story - I'm sure you've heard it - but here it is again - to remind you."

According to an ancient Sufi story, there once lived a King in a Middle Eastern land.  The King was continuously torn between happiness and despondency.  The smallest things could make him really upset or give him an intense emotional reaction, so his happiness easily turned into disappointment and despair. One day the King got tired and started seeking a way out.

He sent for a Wiseman living in his Kingdom.  The Wiseman was reputed for being enlightened.  When he arrived, the King said to him, "I want to be like you. Can you bring me something that gives balance, peace and serenity in my life? I will pay whatever price you like."

The Wiseman replied, "I may be able to help you, but the price is so great that not even your Kingdom would be enough payment for it.  Therefore I will give it to you as a gift, if you will honor it."

The King gave his assurances and the Wiseman left.  A few weeks later he returned and handed the King an ornate box carved in jade. The King opened the box and found a simple gold ring inside. The inscription on the ring read

'This, too, shall pass'....  

"What is the meaning of this?" asked the King.  The Wiseman replied, "Wear this ring always. Whatever happens, before you call it good or bad, touch the ring and read the inscription. That way, you will always be at peace".

I have this story printed out and posted above my desk.  And life, when it becomes hard, scary and unfathomable at times and it does, I read it and it soothes me...

It is then that I am reminded to let go of negative thoughts, to know that life will not always be as bad as it is today and it is safe to take small trusting steps. Being able to spend time with people you love and who love, care and support you, being barefoot in the garden and spending time outside in the fresh air gives us clarity, a sense of calm and well being.  

As well, it is, perhaps important sometimes, to understand that we don't always have a hand in what is presented to us and in whatever diverse format. 

But maybe learning to trust in the Universe's unexpected fast balls happening for a reason, is a good mindset to adopt, in order to be less fearful.  It gives one some semblance of relief from hanging out with those troublesome fear monkeys and this is, without a shadow of a doubt, a less worrisome place to be.

With love Natasha x

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