COURAGE for me is having a really honest, down to earth, good hard look at those niggling, pestiferous little thoughts. The ones that every now and then come up and hit you on the head announcing that they are still here! They are the thoughts that refuse to go far, far away, so you and your life can have a little peace again.
Courage likes to bang on the door of the homes of my fear monkeys, their families and their ancestors to boot. Courage really likes shaking my life up.
STRENGTH is what I now believe I have which has the ability to kick the those monkey thoughts into touch. You know the stuff that you once allowed to rule, with rock and roll aplomb your head, your heart and your life. Strength is what takes you to the next level, the actionable truth level.
Deciding to leave my marriage of nearly 18 years in the end was ultimately not about courage, for me, it was about strength.
You see, up until that point of agreeing to a divorce I had always seen courage as something others had and it was their courage with a means to an end. But courage became the foundation of my thought processes that lingered, that bothered and drew me into those movie house life experiences, seeing the whole picture of where I was, how I was living and behaving.
I began to challenge my fears, my horizons and I started to build and extend the path of my journey into the next stage of my life. This whole process of courage programming took me almost 8 years, until I finally knew I had the strength to take all that hard earned courage to the final level, marital dissolve. I decided that, whereas COURAGE had once had its place as procrastination in my head, it was time for me to hand over to STRENGTH and walk the walk.
Courage gave me the strength of mind to take the step into the gaping scary abyss which was essentially the end of a marriage and a watershed in my adult life.
Strength is what held me together afterwards. It empowered me to believe that what I had decided upon was for a kinder, more loving and peaceful future life, for myself and those around me. AND this life I now know, does not evade me. It is present every day and I have gratitude for this luscious, hopeful and loving valley that is my life ahead.
But the end result, no matter how fearful and scary it is, gives you the peace, that you knew would eventually honor YOU, for the courage and ultimately the strength it now takes to continue every day, week and month. AND especially when you have the festival of pride that likes to knock at your separated door on random tough days, waiting for you to cave in.
Strength, when you have it, is what keeps you from looking back too often to see if you made the right decision. It gives you that resolute understanding of worthiness, instinct and brilliance to see through the wavering wobblies of being human.
We all know its sometimes easier to turn around, hush your truth and once again stand back in that uncomfortable line. The line of discontent and sadness, of once again handing away your power to control, giving up your core life beliefs and your big heart's truth to be the good Partner. However it can be done, as I did for 6 more years giving my marriage respect, love and good service until once again courage rose up and tapped me on the shoulder.
THE HURTING YOU
So and especially so, if there were terrible hurtful wrongs done to you, gather up your courage and let strength be your unwavering guide. Know through honoring your incredible, resilient and brave self it will be easier to disarm the guilt, anger and fear that seeps its way very often and so successfully into a divorce.
Being able to have a good, respectful and kind divorce is the understanding, self belief and confidence in your decision. It is the knowing that you don't have to continue with the arguments, the emotional slinging of mud and negative energy arrows of dis-empowerment that can fly so gently and dangerously into your marital arena.
What courage gave me was the balance of thought, the equilibrium of mind and strength to know that I could change what was no longer serving me in my life.
With love Natasha x