Sunday, 30 March 2014

With Love to my Mum

My dear, beautiful Mum once said to me “darling be gracious, nobody can take that away from you nor the feeling you have inside that you have been the best and most honest person you can be”. 

And so the one sure part about getting a divorce for me was that I wanted to remain in my grace, hold onto my inner funny and remain intact as much as I possibly could emotionally, mentally and physically.  I know that I have never been that good at listening to my Mum, but as I have grown up these words have resonated with me so many times and stood me in really positive loving stead when all could have been so unpleasant and mean.  


Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Can Conscious Uncoupling Become the New Divorce?

Your life is your message to the World.  Make sure its inspiring...Unknown

This week Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced their official 'uncoupling' and that in effect their marriage had come to an end. 

Their friendship has not and nor has their commitment to co-parent their children ended and this is to be applauded.

The dissolution of a marriage is not about the end of everything, it is about the recognition of the opportunity for renewal and the belief in making future good of what is no longer working. 

Why do we feel we should trash the ending of a marriage, break it down into small less scary pieces and casting it out as detritus as it is something that no longer works for us anymore? We all acknowledge that we live in a very disposable world, a world which has unkindly extended its veritably fickle values to marriage, relationships and divorce.

Why do we have to wave adios and discard all the good parts of our lives, just because one part isn't working any longer. We just need to fix the tricky bit as best and honestly as possible in order to continue on.  All the while giving all the other parts of our lives such as children, health and ourselves due love, time and respect.

Positives of ending a marriage or a relationship are to have the opportunity to spend time mending, making good and rebuilding something that will never again be representative in its original idealistic form. Remembering that your partnership still has some semblance of working order and importance in the belief that we, ourselves and our lives are more robust.  

Realising that handing away the rest of our power to the doubters, negativos and ridiculers of the world only feeds the negative expectations of a marriage end. This is the disservice you can extend to yourself, your children and the years spent together.  You are both fully functioning adults with a clear commitment to oiling, cleaning and making good the future of this exhausted machine that was your marriage. 

Can the rebuilding through conscious uncoupling and co-parenting help it all gently on as a continued life working partnership?  This time in a different format, which works to the future benefit of all concerned. Can this be the most loving, less painful and respectful way?

With love x

Monday, 24 March 2014

Can This Divorce Goddess Resist Running Away?

Ok so those following my FB page may have seen a post I put up on Sunday morning.  It went something like this ‘BOOK A TICKET AND JUST LEAVE’.  ‘Uh oh’ a friend commented.  

So why did this little nugget sing so sweetly to me and smile the cunning, I know you want to do it smile. Why has this little bouncing thought bubble stayed oh so gently, nestling nicely within my Sunday brain head? 

This thought has guided me to type into search engines words like’ cheap flights’,'beach' and ‘Ho Chi Minh’.
The idea hasn’t been banished yet, it’s still floating confidently with intent.
What is stopping me?

I am an adventurer, a go getter and fly by the seat of my pants girl.  So what is the block? I'll tell you what it is ….at present I am tired, pretty worn down by all the ‘stuff’ you feel like you are eternally having to deal with divorced or even married.

Be it house selling, children moving schools, financial stagnation and balancing your family's life whilst working our beautiful asses off.

Any more justification to jump on a plane needed at this point? Hmmm, evocative thoughts of a warm sea, bungalow on a beach and a sarong makes me feel like a baby, to be dropped off by the airline stork for love and Vitamin D, adventure and relaxation.
However, as we all know, it does not ALWAYS work like this. NOT because I shouldn’t take time off and have an adventure, but because I just need to sit tight a little longer. I am learning as I get older to trust that being a little more patient will help the future outcome taste a whole lot sweeter, and whilst the F*** it attitude was once good, I no longer want life adventures defined by it.

Perhaps, after said three weeks of sunshine, back packing…  with two kids and being able to kick back, would the tough life factors of the moment really be less troublesome?  Would they pray on my mind opportunistically during less busy parts of the sun filled day or would I soar like an eagle, defy the destructive head monkeys and be serene in my judgement to have gone.

During the first few months of separation, I saw a most loving gorgeous younger man who lived on another continent.  No pressure there except for organising childcare for the odd weekend away. I could pretend to be someone I wasn’t, marriage/divorce denial and confusion at their finest….

These were the weekends I 'ran’ away, flew away and I achieved mind, body and soul space of indulgent proportions.  This was good to do, it gave me balance as the divorce process was so freshly squeezing the juice out of me and I needed to escape, laugh and actually know really good sex again.  

So this is where you know you have moved on. Divorce has taught me patience, a trust that all will be well at the right time and Vietnam will still be there waiting.

Being married gave me the fortunate buffer of self-indulgent escaping, now I do it when it feels right. And just right now, there is a little part of me thinking that I am not supposed to go away just yet, as there is something a whole lot more nurturing and positive waiting for me around the corner.

So at this juncture in my quite unsettling life, would I like to take my children off for an adventure of epic and fantastical proportions  – why yes, yes and yes! … Is it the most positive action for me... I am still not sure ... 

Will keep you posted

With love x

Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Is Divorce Lonely Better Than Married Lonely?

Thanks to Mumsnet Bloggers Network for featuring this piece on their front page. I would love any comments x

To be or not to be Lonely now that is a Divorce Question ...

Loneliness is an uninvited guest that knocks on your door, is always happy to overstay its welcome and engulfs you at a moment's notice.

You can feel the most loved person in a room full of friends, family and other people.  If though, there is an iota of loneliness camped out in your heart, there is no one person but you who can bid it farewell. Loneliness is a necessary demon we all come face to face with at some point. It is wily, it is needy and random.

It can appear in your marriage, in separation or divorce and it leaves you starving for love, the loneliness corporation carries its baggage stuffed with sadness, grief and bitterness.
Through my marriage and divorce I felt different aspects of loneliness. I spent so much of my marriage alone, a husband away working for weeks at a time.  I was used to loneliness. I also understood early on in my divorce that in order to function as a primary parent, a wife, friend and daughter to those I spent time with, I had to learn to live with myself. 
I spent time alone, utterly miserable, crying myself to sleep, questioning why did I not have my Husband to spend my life holding, laughing and even arguing with. I also began to understand that no matter how much time I spent with others, I still had to come home and live with myself.

That was my lonely married status, with the umbrella of a husband somewhere over me affording me a degree of protection. Not as much as I would have liked, but nonetheless I stayed dry, sad and lonely.  I made friends with the Internet, shopping mainly with a large glass of red.  In fact I made friends with everyone and I was still lonely. 

Did it matter that my husband was never there or was it a lesson in life that I needed to learn to help me move on? Was it a sign of what was to come, a learning and training ground for post separation and divorce? 

Do we stay longer in an unhappy marriage because we are afraid of loneliness, of what we will find once our marital other is no longer there to fill that space reserved for it?  Are we all at the real base camp of humanity desperately fearful of being on our own?

On separating I found it easy to continue on with life. Nothing had changed much in terms of single parenting, I just got on with it. To live alone, without a someone still caring and thinking about me wherever they were in the world, made me realise I had systematically invited another aspect of loneliness in.

I congratulated myself for being so resilient and capable.  I knew I was, I had some good training but what I was not prepared for was the loneliness attached to the lack of availability of help from my now Ex. I began to realise that he had been there for me in our marriage, that my situation now was real and devoid of any backup and that equalled the huge loneliness factor. 
Your family and friends are there for you in those desperate hours. Your children fill a void with their emotional needs, BUT once the house is quiet, you are left with yourself and your ability to deal with the loneliness monkeys raging around your head.  You cannot banish them, they like the fact that there is space for them to party. They make you aware of what really exists when a marriage breaks down. There is no solace until acceptance of the new you without the dreadful lonelies becomes your inner fabulous lighter life.  

You make errors of judgement, you find those able, you think, to replace what you need.  These are the delaying tactics employed, counteracting loneliness with booze, fags, bad sex and even worse company leaving you bereft of energy. 

So how do you send this loneliness away? Why you make loneliness your friend.  You start keeping loneliness close, you live with loneliness and once the acceptance of its existence is within your life, cold loneliness will leave. 

Make friends with yourself, really truly start to make friends with yourself.  Be kinder to yourself, buy yourself flowers, a book, go to the cinema, watch a film on your own and feel like you have no mates. Be the singleton at a party, on a holiday and pick up the brave, smiling and gracious you AND celebrate it!

Enjoy, embrace and acknowledge these times as part of a process, give yourself permission to cry yourself to sleep in your big empty bed. Sleep holding a pillow or hot water bottle and be proud of how you are managing this difficult time. 

Every day know that whatever the loneliness you are feeling, that it is shared by so many around the world. Embracing this scary emotion is recognising your strength in your truth and life.

Time spent on my own has been the most valuable.  I have had time to think, to disseminate and to truly understand the benefits of being able to have time on my own. 

I know within my next relationship or marriage that I will be whole. I will not be dependent on the requirement of a partner to fill a void that has existed within me for such a long time as it will just no longer be there!

With love Natasha x

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!  I have LITERALLY just created a private FB Group How to be a Divorce GoddessIf you want to be part of a positive, supportive and new divorce community, it would be lovely if you can join us.

My mission is to change the way society looks at divorce by creating a community of 'empowered, good and kind' divorce trail blazers, the showers, the way seers and goddesses and to do divorce differently! This is where I will be spending time during the week to answer any questions, share with you thoughts and tips to help you along your journey, post my FB lives and have some fun - laughter is the best medicine! 

My wish for this group is to support each other, share experiences of the breakthroughs, tips to help keep your emotional, physical and mental well-being in a good place through your divorce and meet like minded lovely people all going through big stuff.

Join me on FB here: How to be a Divorce Goddess Community
Twitter: Tosh Brittan
Instagram: Tosh Brittan

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Writing a Positive Gratitude List for FOCUS on a Sunny Day

So now I put my phone down, I breathe, I turn my face to the sun, feel the earth beneath my feet and I feel gratitude for this beautiful day...and for the friend who pinged me a FB message of their feet on the grass in their garden in 0 degs to remind me to do this .... x

It also reminded me of a Gratitude List I wrote a couple of days ago. I realised how much of the truly wonderful stuff I have in my Life!

Have a go at writing a Gratitude List for the all the wonderful things in your life, read it often and keep it. Keep it for those days which are not so filled with sunshine .... to remember the ones which are.

With love x

Friday, 14 March 2014

Divorce Goddess turns in a Labor Day film review


The film Labor Day based on the book by Joyce Maynard, directed by Jason Reitman. It is a wonderful story about trust, tenderness and strength in the belief that love can present itself in so many different, unexpected and beautiful ways.  It’s a story about vulnerability, truth and love in New Hampshire in the early 80s. 

The main characters Adele (Kate Winslet), Frank (Josh Brolin) find an unexpected sanctuary within each other and their own troubled personal lives, with the addition of Henry (Gattlin Griffith) putting in an epic performance as the good, honourable and hormonal teenage Son. 
The story centres on the facets of good hearts with an unexpected teenage male role model in the form of Frank, Henry the teenage son achingly loyal to his beloved mum and the emotional challenges facing the divorced Adele.
The film opens up the issues of trust and how believing in the good of people can reap rewards unimagined, as is so ably demonstrated through the main characters. As well, the film conveys beautifully the joy and happiness that comes out of difficult life situations when we help and care for each other.

The cinematography is beautiful with lots of evocative green countryside, leafy trees and the community of folk going about their everyday lives. The film gently shapes all the images of a tranquil safe haven for an unexpected, potentially dangerous and yet sweet love.

You have to love Labor Day… it serves up a fantastic double whammy of Kate Winslet and Josh Brolin, with the full gamut of endearing human emotions brought together brilliantly by Gattlin Griffith as Kate Winslet’s Son and Tobey Maguire as the Son 20 years down the line, who puts the final slice of delectable peach into this fantastic home-baked pie of love.

With love Natasha x
Thanks to Mumsnet and Paramount for the preview!

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

5 Positive Affirmations to Boost the Incredible You

AFFIRMATIONS are the practice of daily positive thinking.

We all have a natural desire to be positive. Feeling like this makes us gorgeously happy, joyful and brave. We laugh, smile and love a lot when we are happy.
Affirmations repeated each and every day are just so wonderful for helping us feel lighter, focused and POSITIVE!

These are 5 of my favourite daily affirmations which put the smile on my face, the strength in my brave heart and spring in my sneaker clad step.

They help me enormously, supporting me emotionally through the more trying days of divorce. These affirmations remind me of all the really good stuff that our fantastical selves and lives are stacked to the rooftops with. 
So, when do I say my affirmations?

Why I have stuck them all over the place. On my fridge door, on my bathroom mirror and in my car for a good shout out of positivity on the umpteenth school run.  I stand in the garden, I take them on hikes, they get me up the big hills and I reach the top feeling victorious.

All the while, wherever and whenever I say them, I believe them all to be true.

It’s a great thing to write your own affirmations. Be creative, listen to your inner thoughts and visualise how you want to feel.  You can seize the day, start affirming, be powerful with your thoughts as they help create your reality….

5 Great Affirmations
  • I attract abundance into my life and I celebrate all the wonders that life is offering me right now

  • I am so blessed that my children and I have good health and our bodies are strong

  • I have a loving, supportive family and beautiful, caring friends in my life

  • I am a warm, loving and positive person. Every day I embrace my life and its challenges with gratitude

  • I am truly worthy of being cherished, loved and in a wonderful relationship

Have a calm, gorgeous think, a 'whilst you are having a bath' think, meditating or an exercising think.

Writing your affirmations empowers your thoughts, so give yourself permission to be truly positive about your incredible life.

Share your affirmations in the comments below, I'd love to hear them.

With my love Natasha x

For daily inspiration and top tips follow me on Twitter or Instagram and I can follow you too! 

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Vulnerability VLOG ...

So beautiful people ..... We open our eyes some days and then we really want them shut.  Try as we might, pressing the brain shut down button, tucking up safe, warm and trying to avoid the fears of the day ahead is not going to cut it...

And I really get it ....!

Vulnerability and the dung beetle

And this is the magnificent, positive and wondrous dung beetle...

With my love Natasha x

How vulnerable is everyone feeling ...

"How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness?"  Brene Brown

Tomorrow I am putting out a VLOG about feeling vulnerable and how we can positively change those fearful days.

If those days are not embraced they can consume us.... and that is not good for anyone .... especially the lovely YOU !

With my love Natasha X

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Difficult Co-Parenting Decisions - Your Kid's School

There are co-parenting decisions that are up there in the big beautiful heart breaking sky that are way harder than others.  They do not get any easier and there is no MAGIC essence of ease to clear the way through the dense throat constricting boa times. and their schools, do they stay?  Do they leave? Will you as a divorced couple still be able to, if possible, keep them at a fee paying school as your commitment to their happiness and a means to assuage your guilt? 

For the last 18 months X and I have been skirting around the issue of schooling, the BIG fat engulfing guilt of divorce that is born out through private schooling.  Our internal solar plexus area doing the clam shut quick cha cha bloomin’ cha EVERY time the heavy school bill envelope ever so gently crashes down on to the doormat ringing the doorbell on the way ….
Why is there is no simple solution?  Why, because we fear inflicting yet more pain on our children? We fear the look of surprise, fear and disappointment in their eyes of separation from friends, the future possible repercussions of the teenage blame game. 

We know changing schools is yet another fence in the divorce assault course that our good hearted loving children will have to find a way of overcoming. 
Most of all, we have a fear of the reality of letting go of what can no longer serve us financially as a separated family.

Rolling along with this decision for a perfectly good state education, are other stresses with another house move, the neurosis brass band starts up with the will we, won’t we get a place…. and even with ALL of this it’s the difference between happy co-parenting or the stress of X being a tax exile and rarely seeing his children ….

It’s a no brainer really ….

AND this time, X and I are good, committed co-parents who are friends.
Thinking back to the marriage era and the arguments that would have ensued had we the financial problems we have now.  We would have wheeled out the fear party monkeys to help us through the big, massive BLAME RAVE three day festival. 

So here we were X and I sitting down, working together, mapping out another part of our new lives so inextricably linked and much in harmony. We realised with such a huge sense of utter relief that we could simplify all of our lives, if we could just let this school fear go ....and were we brave enough now to just tell the children....
There is sadly no fast track scenic route through the big weighty decisions that still factor in the importance of the whole divorce scenario.  Knowing that the decisions you make together from a place of calm, mutual understanding and friendship have the most desired and less damaging outcome.  This is crucial to moving forward for you both and your gorgeous children.

With my love Natasha x


Letting go is The New Holding on in Breaking Up and Divorce

Letting go is the new holding on.... Why do we behave the same way again and again and expect everything to be different? Through my br...